Conversion Story - Part 2

There are two moments in my life that I would say have been pivital moments that I will remember forever. Some folks that have committed to Christ in their adult life probably can remember all the events that took place or have gone through experiences before and after their conversion. And although my first conversion story wasn't as much life-altering but rather it was more monumental in my thinking and faith.

My second conversion story, I would say, was life-altering in many aspects as far as faith, belief, how I approach others about my faith, boldness and perspective. It was like a light came on for me. Fortunately there wasn't anything traumatic going on in my life I think I just finally woke up to the path God has planned for me all along.

It was the year that the book 'The Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren came out and everyone was reading it, everyone was talking about it and lives were changing because of it. I had read it through the first time and thought it was a good book but didn't really think I'd read it through again. I like to read but I go through stints and I didn't think I'd pick it up again. Anyway, by the time I was going through it for the 3rd time one of the chapters hit me like a tonne of bricks.

At the end of Chapter 3, Rick states or gives an image of what will happen at the end of time or Judgement Day. I will paraphrase but in short, he says:

You were put here to prepare for eternity.

One day you will stand before God and He will do an audit of your life and will ask two questions.

1. What did you do with my Son Jesus Christ?


2. What did you do with the gifts He (God) has given you? The gifts, the talents, opportunities and relationship, did you spend them on yourself?

Again, I believe this moment was truly the Holy Spirit working in my life to show me that I am not alone and I am here for a purpose. It was at the time when I felt like I needed to make a difference and let those around me know about Jesus Christ. In fact, I was so moved and impacted that I didn't want any opportunity to be missed.

Particularly I remember meeting up with a friend to check out her new house that was being built and we had to wait outside in her car until the one of the construction workers came to open the door. While we waited, I thought this would be a good opportunity to just say what I had to say. It was the first time that I ever really professed my faith and so I was nervous but more I felt like I just needed to say it.

I think I started out by saying something like, 'You know, I have to tell you something and I don't know how you will respond to it but I feel I just need to say it. I had mentioned that I was reading this book and I want to tell you about my friend Jesus Christ.' To my relief we talked for a bit about it and shortly after that she decided to start attending church. We've had many bible studies from that first meeting and we've also gotten closer because of it. All in the name of Jesus Christ.

I try to speak boldly about my faith but one thing I know for sure, the more I study and read, the more I grow and less fear is instilled in me. I know I've been blessed with having many contacts, friends and relationships to the point of it being (probably) to my detriment. Meaning that I thrive on relationships and that fulfillment is good but I also know that being in His Word can fill a deeper void that I have within me. It's the discipline of taking the time to spend it with God rather than filling the clock with 'things to do'. I also believe that God made us for the purpose of relationship, however, we need to keep the vertical relationship Priority #1 before any horizontal relationship.

So I ask this (it applies to myself as well), where are we giving our time? Are we spending time with the Father as much as our earthly relationship? How are we making a difference in our lives and to the circle of influence around us? Are we making the most of opportunities?

Capability + Opportunity = Responsibility

Conversion Story - Part 1

When I was 13, close to turning 14 I told my dad that I wanted to be baptized. We had talked a bit and we went through reasons why I wanted to be baptized and also what Jesus did for this whole reason to be valid.

However, now that I'm older and have life experience behind me I belief that moment when I was a teenager was more of the act of committing to Jesus Christ and not the faith behind it. Well, to give credit to myself I think that I did understand but it wasn't until my twenties when I truly felt it. It being a conglomerate of faith, grace, the Holy Spirit, Christ in my life and the sacrifice given.

When I first moved to Calgary I didn't know anyone but thankfully the Nyrose family opened their home to me. I moved here during Stampede time and for a girl who didn't know what Stampede was it was quite a shock and highly not recommended. I was with them for a few weeks looking for work before they were leaving for a couple weeks of camping. Quickly I found a job so I was quite excited since this was my first job fresh out of college. I had a spring in my step and innocent (or naive) eyes upon the world to which I would begin my new life and new career.

Unfortunately (at that time anyway), one of the projects they had hired me for was quickly cancelled and they couldn't afford to have 3 designers. Well, you know how the saying goes - last one hired, first one......even though it was a lay-off it was quite a blow to the self-esteem. I had just started unpacking my things after being there three weeks and sure enough I was having to collect it all again.

All that being said, I went back to the Nyrose place and they had just left for holiday so I was all by myself in a unfamiliar home, city, even side of the country. I was definitely going through some culture shock. I remember sitting on their kitchen counter with my thoughts and in shock of the events that had taken place wondering what I was going to do. I knew I had to get back to the job-hunt again but having been hired and laid-off for the first time (for each) within a 3 week time period was a lot to handle.

Knowing I was all alone I started crying and then I began to pray. I didn't know what to do or who to turn to but thankfully I knew and remembered that God was in my presence. Since I didn't know anyone here I felt alone and without love but then it hit me that the One that truly loves me is Jesus. I started crying harder but more out of happiness and grace knowing that I am loved even when I'd been given this blow to this new start I had that was shortly lived. I felt like I was finally understanding it, well, understanding more than what I did before about why Jesus sacrificed himself for us, for me! Why?? Because He loves me! Then the song 'Jesus loves me' came in my head. It was like a light finally came on with that song. I had been singing that song for literally decades but it wasn't until something monumental happened that I really took note of it.

Having Jesus in my life for most of my life had been an advantage I had taken advantage of. But when the rubber hit the road I'm glad I was able to fall back on a foundation I'd grown up with that wasn't noticed before.

I saw a rainbow tonight

I was driving home tonight and before me sat a perfect rainbow. I don't usually see the full half of a rainbow (because as you know, rainbows are circles, we just don't see the other half because of the horizon line), but tonight I did. I could see most of the colors and it was so beautiful. When I saw it tonight, especially because of how crisp it was, it made me think of Noah (of course).

Maybe I think too much or read into things alot (don't judge please) but I started thinking about the rain falling on my car and the dark clouds around me but since the sun was behind me I knew there had to be a rainbow nearby. I took to be a little metaphorical (is that a word?) in how some times we can be in a 'teary' place but when the Son is shining His promises will follow through. He promised Noah with the sign of a rainbow and He continues to do that for us today. We must remember though that our rainbow or promise is that of the cross. After the tears became the Resurrection and the promise of eternal life with Him.

Coincidently the song on the radio was by Third Day, Mountain of God. The words are below and it sort of all tied together.

Thanks for making my day, Lord.

Mountain of God

I thought that I was all alone,
broken and afraid,
but you were there with me,
you were there with me.
And I didn't even know
I had lost my way,
but you were there with me,
yes, you were there with me.
Tell you opened up my eyes I never knew,
that I couldn't ever make it without you.

Chorus:
Even though the journey's long,
and I know the road is hard.
Well the one who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through,
now I realize the truth
that I must go through the valley
to stand upon the Mountain of God.

As I travel on the road,
you have led me down,
you are here with me,
yes, you are here with me.
And I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
that you are here with me,
yes, you are here with me.
I confess from time to time I lose my way,
but you were always there to bring me back again.

~chorus~

Bridge:
Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from,
And the things I've left behind.
Well, of all I've had,
what I posess,
they can't quite compare,
with what's in front of me,
with what's in front of me.

Even though the journey's long,
and I know the road is hard,
well, the one who's gone before me,
he will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through,
now I realize the truth
that I must go through the valley,
to stand upon the mountain. . .
well, I must go through the valley,
to stand upton the mountain. . .
yes, I must go through the valley,
to stand upon the mountain of God.

What do you talk about?

Intelligent people talk about ideas.

Smart people talk about events.

Small minded people talk about others.

The Upside of Anger

Years ago I saw this movie (The Upside of Anger) and although most people said they weren't really impressed with it, I found it actually quite intriguing. Intriguing enough to buy it as well. Whether their opinions reflected the plot or acting, I'm not sure but I learned a good lesson from the movie.

**Warning - Spoiler Alert** I plan to reveal the climax of the movie so if you would like to watch it without me spoiling it than I suggest you close this page down and wait (with eager anticipation, of course) till my next post.

The plot of the movie is that the main female character (played by Joan Allen) becomes a bitter woman when her husband apparently leaves her family and her, traveling with his Swedish secretary to her country. The beginning of the movie shows her trying to call or contact her husband but since there is no answer she assumes that he has left her. Since she is left with looking after her 4 teenage daughters all on her own she begins to depend on alcohol to numb her pain. She then becomes highly emotional - most of her emotions tend toward anger - and with the addition of her drinking problems, she will often have outbursts, both appropriate and inappropriate.

Throughout the movie there are different scenes where they show how the bitterness envelopes who she once was and the pain that exists inside her is washed over by numbing it with alcohol. Her relationships (especially with her daughters) become unhealthy and division is created and broadened as time and hurt grow longer.

The turning point in the movie is when some developers are excavating behind her house (sub-plot and not important to the point I'm trying to make) discover a body in the bottom of a well or creek. Upon discovering the body they look in the wallet of the deceased and realize that it is/was her late husband. It's at that moment when her mind starts to race and guilt fills her soul because of what she thought was the truth was actually what killed him. Whether or not he was having an affair with his secretary is watered down by the fact that her insecurities overshadowed any type of truth that could exist.

The lessons I learned from the movie run far deeper than a reel shining on a big screen. Maybe I like to find deeper meaning to stories but I think if people weren't thrilled about this movie than they missed the whole point. Some times, most times we tend to only look at circumstances/life/others/etc through our own eyes and become so self-involved in our own failures/insecurities/pride/etc that we make judgements on what we think is reality. We don't need to resort to anger because there is an upside. There is another story to be told, we just have to have the patience and humility to hear it.

I say all this because recently I've been exposed to a situation that woke me up from my own cloud of ignorance. In my last post I was commenting on the fact that this is 'wedding season' and how I felt like status updates on facebook were in-my-face when I have been struggling with that 'thorn in my side'. Recently, however, it was brought to light that some times things aren't as rosey as things may appear. By no means will I go into specifics because it really isn't my point.

Why I decided to post on this situation I came face-to-face with was because I am just as guilty as anyone else with expressing unnecessary feelings that are only a detriment to me based on my own assumptions and not reality. It sort of gave me a wake up call to realize that there are two sides to every story. Someone told me once 'don't judge your insides with someone's outsides' and it is so true. I've also been told before that a majority of the time when we are feeling angry it is usually ourselves we are mad at we just take it out on others. I wasn't sure if that statement was true or not but since then if ever I'm feeling angry I walk through my thought pattern and realize that, yes, a majority of the time it is myself who I'm most upset with. I can't control how others are but do have control over (and a responsibility of) my actions or reactions. Could the main character have chosen a better way to handle her anger? Of course! We all make decisions and regardless of the situation we are in it is how we handle it that is the true test of character. I'll take that statement to the grave for sure.

I could be angry (not recently anyway) at God and take it out on loved ones around me like the main character in the movie but what I have to realize is is that I can't look at what other's have been blessed with and compare it to what I feel God hasn't blessed me with. With marriage comes other sorts of 'work' that I haven't been exposed to. I've been blessed with other opportunities and other sorts of 'work' that some married folk would believe they've missed out on.

Things are not always as they seem and there is an upside to anger.

Geek at heart

Ah you intrigue me. The older I get the more I'm yearning to soak up knowledge.

Solomon says in -
Proverbs 1:7 - 'The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.'
Proverbs 2: 6 - 8 'For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.'

I find that pretty encouraging given that lately I've been trying to read catch up with all the books on my shelves, ones people have given me and magazines purchased. On my trip home I bought two magazines (and no they weren't celeb mags with the latest gossip only because I know most of it already - haha), one was a travel magazine and the other is called Scientific American Mind.

Lately I've been trying to read about history and monumental events but typically most of the books I read are about bettering yourself and becoming all that God would like us to be. Currently I'm reading The Gospel According to Starbucks by Leonard Sweet. In it he uses the Starbucks franchise as an example of how we are as Christians. For example he says, we can stand in line all day at a Starbucks but if we don't participate (in any form of transaction) we won't actually be satisfied. Now if you take that into context with the God's Church it would be like saying that you need to participate and be involved or you won't fully get out of it what you need and what God has prepared for you. Pretty good stuff, I'd say.

The mag's I read on my trip back home were so fantastic! I love to travel and it was great to know that two of the places mentioned for the top 20 places to visit in Europe were places I've been to already. So many places, so little time and money......

The American Scientific Mind was intriguing as well given that I like to read information about how or why we think the way we do, etc. This month it's main focus had different articles on how men and woman converse with one another and why we communicate the way we do. Still working on those articles but if I find out anything earthshattering I'll post it on here.

I remember someone saying something to the affect of knowledge being like climbing a ladder. The more you climb, the more you see the horizon and see how much more there is to know.

My nightmare last night

Last night I had a terrible dream. I'm not sure what caused my thoughts to go down that road but they did. I say 'caused' because I think our dream state is due to things that are in our subconscious and we don't even realize it. This dream was quite disturbing and I'm not sure if I can describe the intensity to reflect the feelings I had. Sort of like reading a book then watching the movie...it's just not the same.

It was dark outside but still lots of city lights and night time activity and I was at the back of a convenience store scanning the shelves. My back was to the coolers and facing the counter but since the shelves were my eye-height I couldn't see the window front. (Of course, from my experience in working at 7-Eleven I realize now that shelf height is much lower than that.) Anyway, there were others in the store as well, some new each other some didn't. Small conversations were about and just normal, regular activity.

Then a few men came in and they started yelling at us in a foreign language and then repeating themselves in English. They we asking us to divide up into races, North American over here, Mexican over there, etc., etc. At this point the blood in my veins was pumping so much with adrenaline I could hear it pulsing in my head. I was so nervous and thoughts were running through my head a mile a minute with ideas of how to get out of there or trying to impress on my mind the details of their face so I could recognize them or describe them later. From my recollection they seemed to be part of the Taliban or something. Who knows! I had never been in a situation like this. This only happens on tv! They didn't ask for cash or anything of monetary value; their prize was us. They had some weapons but they must've been small and I say that because as they were doing that another group of men came in with visibly larger weaponry and took over this group of men and again started asking us to divide up. (I'm not sure what any of this means and I haven't thought long enough about it to decipher it)

I then found ourselves on a dirty old school bus going to another location and then the scene changed to our final destination. The next scene was all of the customers (to whom some had now turned out to be some of my friends), walking in a barn-like building with dirt floors. The light shone from one bulb hanging loosely above the leader of this criminal group and he was carrying a gun resting on his shoulder. I noticed different wooden crates misplaced here and there; to my left was some rope tied to a warnout picnic table that looked like some sort of torture mechanism.

The leader then ordered us to take a seat on some of the crates and at this point our hands were tied behind our backs. There was no way to escape. We were tied up, the tension, nerves, adrenaline, weaponry, and evil roamed about us. Across from me I could see the makeshift torture 'area' to which would soon be my fate. I didn't notice too much of the feelings inside of me and the fear I must've had but it was more like I was having an out-of-body experience and noticing everything around me and the energy in the air instead. (If that makes any sense) I did experience fear but maybe my body was just in shock.

Then we were asked the question: Who would like to be the first to be beaten at the Cat-o-nine table? He called it. Really? Is this how I am suppose to live out my last day? Is this my final moment? There was hesitation in the room and there was a big guy sitting next to me whom I could sort of hide behind his shadow but I felt like I would be picked first. Was it something in me that felt I should take the first hit and help the others from experiencing the pain? Those are some of the thoughts that went through my head.

I then remember again having the out-of-body experience because I was still sitting on the same crate I first sat on but then I was watching myself being tied up at the picnic table and about to be tortured with the Cat-o-nine tails. (sp) My thoughts then turned to Christ. Is this what he had to endure for us? His back split open from a whip that would tear him apart and the rest of the torture all because he longs to be with us. Through all of beatings, ridicule, humiliation and adrenaline pumping through his veins and his only response was: Forgive them.

Whew!

Adjusting to the new digs

Well, I've been in Ontario (and Michigan) for a week now and things seem to be settling down which is nice. When I first got here it was mayhem partly because my mom had just gotten out of the hospital due to hemorraging and within 24hrs had to be moved to a new care facility. She still is adjusting to everything and doesn't talk as much anymore which is very unlike her. Told you, her and I are very alike. ;-)

I'm glad I've been here so I can visit with her even if she sleeps most of the time. I brought a song book with me and have been singing to her once in a while which has been relaxing. Of course, yesterday I asked her if she wanted me to sing or if she wanted to just rest and I would watch tv; she chose me watching tv. I won't take offence to the fact that she didn't want me to sing...we just had a good little chuckle. I think I wore her out a couple days ago with having her walk the hallways a few times so she was pretty tuckered out yesterday. Poor girl.

Aside from all of that, the weather has been fantastic here. The sun is shining, capris and short sleeves are in order and I now dread having to head back to Coldtown...er, Cowtown and face the snowy weather there. ugh! Trust me, I'm there for my friends and church family. That's it!

My mother is my twin

Yes that sounds like I should be on some tv talk show but it's the truth. The more I discover about myself the more I find myself like my mom. Aside from the fact that people comment how much we look alike (yes, she's a good looking lady!!), our personalities and quirks are more similar to the point of scary.

I was able to see my mom today for the first time since last Nov and some of it was hard to take, some of it was reassuring. The home she's in may not be the fanciest but at this point I am more concerned of her well-being and that she's taken care of more than whether there is a nice picture on the wall. The staff is so wonderful! When I first arrived to her room there were 3 staff around her; all men. Now that part we may not have so similar but I asked her why she didn't give me the tips on attracting so many men all at once! These men were as young as 28 and they all said they love my mom so much. They think she's the sweetest and cutest lady. Whew! Talk about playing favourite's or what...but I don't care. That's my mom and you can play favourite's with her all you want. In fact, the 28yr old (student) will come in on his days off to visit with the residents. You get a star in your crown from me buddy. Hats off to you.

The little nuance's or similarities that I noticed we share is as small as always having the need for kleenex to be around. Sounds crazy...but it's true. If you come to my house you will see Kleenex in every room of the house or maybe even two boxes in a room. My nose runs all the time. If I eat some thing hot, cold, room temperature, when I wake up, and especially when I cry. I say all that (not that it's gross) because my mom had to make sure she had a Kleenex box with her too even sitting in a wheelchair. She has one on each nightstand and one on her bed totalling 3 in a distance of less than 10 - 12 ft.

We have the same sense of humour, loud laugh, work ethic, personality, build, smile, faith, etc, etc. The list, I'm sure, could go on (farther than my actual twin; we are more opposite) but the older I get the more I see it. So, to see her fading the way she is literally breaks my heart.

Maybe this entry is more for a journal than for people but I'm writing it here anyway. I don't care, I love my mom and proud of it. She's slowly slipping away and I have no control over it. It saddens me to see how frail she is now and how much care she needs but it also encourages me that her sense of humour can still shine through in little moments that I can still treasure. I mourn the days when I could call her on Sunday's after church which stopped not so long ago but I know those days are no longer. She can't even answer a phone or work a remote control any more. It saddened and humbled me when I had to floss and brush my mom's teeth tonight but her and I love it when we have clean teeth. Ahhhh, heaven in my mouth! (no joke)

I will confess on here though, that I didn't want my mom to see me cry so I held it in. I think I got a headache from pushing back the tears but they soon fell out when I left her tonight. Sorry to be down, I'm sure I'll have some funny stories to share with you some time but for right now I'm just trying to soak all of this in. I feel like a sponge wanting to refuse the rush coming at me; or at least put a filter on how much I receive at once. This is a learning process for me and maybe this will be my therapy. Aren't you lucky!?

Mom update

One of the reasons I decided to take a little mini vacation out to the mountains these past few days is sort of like the calm before the storm. After I leave here tomorrow I plan to make a trip to Ontario to spend some time with my mom. As mentioned in previous posts my mom's health is deteriorating due to Alzheimer's. Over the past week, however, there have been some events that have taken place that have made me cry and also realize that I have to face some realities when going home.

I've said to some and can admit this on here that I do have some hesitations about going home. It seems as time goes on though my visits are becoming more precious time that I can spend with my mom. On April 1st she had another knee replacement surgery which was much needed, however, the down side to it are the affects of the anesthetic and the role it plays with her Alzheimers.

I won't go into too many specifics but since the beginning of the month she has deteriorated to the point where she needs assistance in pretty much every aspect of her daily life. She needs help with even the basics as eating. Because of all of this she has had to move to another care facility that will give her the care she needs. It will most likely be the last home she will be in but I'm sad that she has to leave the home she was in because it was a great place. Gosh, I even enjoyed staying there! Now, however, as much as the home she is in will give her the attention she needs I know it will be a very hard pill to swallow to see my mom where she is. Some of the residents that are there are quite docile and my one sister told me of a woman just sitting in a wheelchair holding a doll. It's those sort of things that I'm not ready to face knowing that my mom is equivalent to this status in life now.

Bottom line to all of this though is, it sucks. It really sucks. The mom I knew isn't the same and our family really needs to start mourning the loss of who she was. The road is still long but it isn't going to be pretty to have to witness this. Yes, yes, I understand that everyone has to face something like this at some point but again, it's not something I feel I'm ready to deal with just yet.

When my sisters were moving my mom into her new home last week one of my mom's friends was there as well for support. The nurses kept asking my mom's friend questions thinking that she was my mom's daughter but then she clarified she was just her friend and they were shocked that my sisters are the daughters. They kept commenting (and it hasn't been the first time) that they were surprised that my sisters were dealing with this stuff at such a young age.

So, to warn those that will be around me upon my return....I don't know what I will be facing when I get back home but I don't know how 'chipper' I will be when I get back to my 'regular life'. I'm sure it will be hard and I appreciate the friendships I have that support me but I thought I'd write on here some challenges I will be facing. I feel more for my sisters who face this on a daily basis. There's something to be said for being in a 'Sandwich' family. I think that's what they call it when you have to not only look after your young ones but your parents as well.

Being Selfish

I think one of the great things about being single is that I can do whatever I want with my time. I'm being selfish and soaking it all in for what it's worth; in a God-honouring way though. This past weekend I decided to get away to take some time to rejuvenate myself and spend some time with God. I'll be honest and say that I've been avoiding spending time with Him in a conversational way but I thought getting away would help from all the distractions.

Tonight I am sitting by a fire, out in His beauty, dim lights and music playing that is contributing to the appreciation I have for the blessings I have in my life. I could take the time to list off names of people that have been influential in my life or the security of a job that awaites me when I return from my visit with my mom but the blessings I am most thankful for is Jesus Christ in my life. I could not imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have the written Word, death, resurrection and hope I have through Him.

I'm so thankful for this time that I can take out of my life to give praise to Him, cry out to Him in appreciation for what He has blessed me with. I still have a desire to share my life with someone but I definitely appreciate and realize that I have something that many may not have the time for. Just like the song by John Waller, While I'm waiting. In the midst of waiting I will give praise and worship...while I'm waiting. I also know that I have the priviledge to run out of town, leave my cares behind, dirty dishes in the sink, laundry in the dryer and bed unmade (it isn't though)at any given time so I can spend some quality time with my Father. He is continually there for me and it is taking this weekend, this time away for me to give my undivided attention back to Him. We get so distracted in life and fill our schedules up with entertainment, mindless chatter and politics yet all He wants from us is our heart.

I'm being selfish today and I'm proud of it. Yes, today has been a good day for singledom and I'm taking full advantage of it. I have the quiet time I need to fill me up with His glory and my cup runneth over.

The excitement this week

Wow, what a week!! Honestly, I really don't think I'm dramatic, don't care to be and definitely don't want drama all the time. However, I'm discovering that there is something that I give off or I'm sending a message to the drama gods that it needs to be in my life. It amazes me at the things that happen more frequently than not.

For example, this week. Now, when I put it in writing it may not sound like its the end of the world...and really it isn't by any stretch but my point in telling these stories is because things just happen and they are beyond my control.

So for my adventures at my latest 'housesitting extravaganza' I had the pleasure of having to say that 'my dog ate my homework'. Well, it's not homework but I received a letter in the mail this week from the Court summoning me to jury duty. I've never been asked that before so that was sort of cool but the copy that I have to keep for myself so I can present it to the court when I need to show up in a couple weeks apparently was an edible delite to the dog I was looking after. Thankfully I hadn't mailed in the other copy of the summons sheet yet and photocopied it but my copy is literally half eaten! How does a dog do that?? And why, pray tell, is this the ONLY thing he ate. Why couldn't it have been a grocery receipt or the notes from the owner to me....nope it had to be the summons paper.

After my house/dog sitting and painting job my plan was to head out to Invermere to my friend's cabin. I thought I'd take a few days to relax, catch up on reading and spending some much needed time with God before I head to Ontario to face some realities with my mom's health. I've been to the cabin a couple times before though so I'm at least familiar with the place. The first time I was there I went with a girlfriend and there was a dead bird in the fireplace. Now that I'm by myself this weekend, what do I find??? A bird in the fireplace. Not a dead one either. How the heck do I find enough guts to get a live bird out of the fireplace?? Sorry, call me chicken but there are some things that I just can't do. Maybe tomorrow but definitely not tonight.

Too bad the dog wasn't here to scare the bird out. I'm done with animals this week. Hopefully the bears haven't woken from their winter slumber yet, I'm just not in the mood.

Sigh...night.

Embarrassing Moments #1

Well, I think I've had a few serious posts lately and, now that I have my computer back, maybe I should write some more funny stories. True stories and yes they have happened to me. I've written a few over the last year with housesitting disaster's and put my thinking cap on for some more good ones. Of course, I can laugh at them now but at the time they weren't so funny.

Florida Trip 1997

After my dad had passed away in 95 my mom remarried in the fall of 96. Her husband had a condo in Florida and said that I could go there with my friends any time I wanted. At that time I hung out with two girlfriends (Jen and Lesley) and we would hang out on weekends and dance them away at clubs. Since we wanted to get away for our March Break we decided to take him up on the generous and very affordable offer. We were all college students with not much money and we couldn't afford a flight down there, considered driving but instead we bussed it. Oh ya, 28hrs on a Greyhound from Windsor, Ont to Cocoa Beach, FL was a very long trip.

Now, when we got to the bus depot in Florida we weren't sure how to get to the condo but since my mom's new husband had known people down there he organized for the minister of the church there to pick us up. On our ride to the condo we mentioned in conversation that we didn't have any wheels but he generously offered us his station wagon for the week since him and his family were going away. Sweet! Maybe not the nicest ride but we had wheels and that was awesome!

Our first trip was to the SuperWalmart to pick up groceries and when we were about to drive away we thought we could just drive forward since no one was in front of us in the parking lot. However, we managed to drive over one of those cement blocks and got stuck so the front of the car was sitting on the cement block. I'm not sure how we got it out but we did...and this is the first time I've mentioned it. :D

Now before I get ahead of myself I need to tell you that a few short weeks before I had suffered from a flu bug in which my doctor had prescribed medication. If you know me, you are aware that I'm not into taking meds. I would prefer alternative methods than drugs and so when I was feeling better I stopped taking them. Little did I know that for the flu to be completely out of my system I needed to finish the bottle given.

The beginning of the week was nice and relaxing but as time went on I wasn't feeling so good and my stomach was quite upset. Then it started to hit me. Not like I was throwing up or anything but I had to run to the bathroom every 5 min. Literally. If ever the three of us were about to go anywhere we had to make sure there was a washroom nearby so going to the beach wasn't much fun. Well, there were facilities there but it stunk (no punn intended) to have to sunbathe near the porta-potties. I also gave Jen and Lesley the task of having to turn on all the blow dryers so no one would here me either. Ugh!

The worst of it though was the ride back home. I did NOT know how I was going to make it and we planned our trip by how many stops the bus would make and what kind of trouble I'd be in. I forget the longest stint we had but still it was a pain in the butt. haha Actually, no the worst wasn't the ride back home. The worst of it was getting home. Jen and her boyfriend Mark were dropping me off and I knew that when I got home I could rest up, clean up and get better.

Side note: Before I continue may I suggest to anyone who is giving someone a ride home. Make sure you see them get in the door before driving off. It's a few extra seconds but those seconds could make a world of difference.

Continuing on.....So, Mark and Jen dropped me off and when I got to my front porch I realized that no one was home so I had to start searching for my house keys. After being away for a week I had no idea where I put them in the first place so there I was tearing apart my suitcase and all my belongings trying to find my keys. I thought that was the sucky part until my stomach started churning and knew that I had only a few minutes before I was in deep...er, trouble. Oh boy! What's the deal? Is there a trigger in our bowels or something that knows when we are home and we can barely make it to the washroom? Or is it just me?

The options I had (and at that time I didn't own a cell phone, probably didn't even know what that was) were to continue looking for my keys, go to my neighbours next door with the Italian man who walks around in his backyard wearing blue speedo but you can't see it cause his stomach hangs over so much OR across the street to Joey's house whom I had a huge crush on OR break one of the basement windows. Of course the other option was to go to my old place of work (7-Eleven) on the corner but I REALLY didn't think I could pigeon dance my way down the street with my knees together trying to hold it all in. Time was running short and my options were few and I needed to decide fast!

However......or, rather, unfortunately, I didn't make it. That's right. A grown woman crapped herself in the midst of kicking in the basement window to crawl to the washroom. As much as the idea of a road trip and a free place to stay down in Florida sounds cool I would've rather stayed home. All-in-all it was a pretty 'crappy' trip.

Embarrassing - yes. Funny - now it is. One more story under my belt. I should really write a book.

15 yr Anniversary

Dear Dad,

Can you believe it's been 15yrs since we last saw each other? Man, in some ways it seems so long ago yet in other ways it seems so fresh in my mind. Maybe the finer details have faded but alot are still there. I actually woke last night at 2am thinking about you and remembering all the events that happened so many years ago. Ever since then I've taken this day off to have some quiet time (especially around 3:20pm ET) and reminisce.

I wish I could tell you all that has happened since then or rather I wish that we could just sit and talk, visit, ask the many questions I've gathered over the last decade or so. Seems I was more distant then and didn't want to admit that you were leaving this world. One thing I'm thankful for is that I know you are at peace. I know that you are in a much healthier place and don't have to suffer or be in pain any more. Knowing you're at peace gives me peace. I look forward to the day when we can hang out again.

I'm wondering if you've seen my friend's little boy Drew up there. He left his earthly family a couple years ago so I ask that you will hang out with him once in a while. If you have seen him I hope you will hold him like I've seen you do with other small children, like angels. Which, of course, that's exactly what he is ....an angel. I think you both have the same sort of sense of humour and don't be jealous that he has more teeth than you because I think you have more hair, so you're even. haha

Wow, 15 yrs. Unbelievable but yet so fresh. I miss ya pops. I'm sure you know mom isn't doing so well either. I plan to see her soon but I know she's been asking about you lately and she hasn't done that in a while. I hate to see her failing in her health but I guess it's par for the Alzheimer's course.

I've been framing some of your records to remember you as well. We don't have record players anymore but I wanted to keep a few of the vinyl's that you had to keep your memory alive. I love you and thanks for being the wonderful example you were/are. I know I've said it before but I know you weren't a strong man physically but I appreciate the upright man you were in your character and faith.

Love you much
Bex

The Teen Famine

Over the last 27.5hrs the teens from church (and myself) have been participating in the 30hr famine. I had done it years ago and don't have too many memories about it but it hasn't been too bad, I guess.

I do feel a little fatigue but I'm not sure if it's due to lack of food or lack of sleep or maybe a combination thereof. Actually, I am starting to get a headache and hopefully drinking water will help.

I know the point of the famine is to help us be more aware of the situation for those who can't afford or have means for food. Thankfully organizations like World Vision are helping out with this need. I think with participating in this it has opened my eyes to the side effects of not eating, aside from hunger that is. And even though we've been able to access to water, juice and, for extreme measures, rice it amazes me all that I've gone through in the last 30hrs.

At the beginning of it, it obviously wasn't so bad and if I had a hunger pain I would just wash it down with a glass of H20. However, overnight I've gotten a sore throat, cramping in my stomach and irritability (but the latter was due to people waking me up more than anything). I guess it just makes me more aware of the conditions that those who are without to have a combination of side effects aside from hunger. And actually, now that I think of it, I know that Peter, our Youth Minister, experiences way more side effects than what I've listed. He mentioned that he has vomited and was close to being sent to the hospital.

Can you imagine what those in 3rd world countries go through everyday? We have the advantage and goal set before us that our struggle will end. When will theirs? What will it take for us to help?

My reminder

If you haven't noticed, I have been in a serious funk lately. Spiritually I've been dried up, felt like I was wandering aimlessly, wasn't sure who to talk with, what to say and had no solutions. I feel I've been at a loss. But maybe that's what I needed to find my way up again. There's no need for specifics but definitely I've been down and out. Going through the motions with an empty heart and confused mind.

However. Today was a good day. I think with a few factors involved today I feel I'm seeing some light. I'm not saying that my issues have been resolved but my neck is turning my head to the direction or perspective that I need it to be.

Today we had a great service at church and there was one song that really hit me where I needed it most. The song is called 'Your Grace Still Amazes Me' and I felt quite moved by the lyrics. Yes, His grace does still amaze me especially when I feel empty, alone, without. There is nothing I can do to be where He is and really all I can do is be at the foot of the cross. I can't tell you how deep that song moved me but I think the tears falling from my face were enough to show that I needed to be where I was today. To be honest, I didn't even want to go to church today. I wanted to skip, play hooky, work, whatever but not be there. Out of habit and just plain knowing that fellowshipping with other believers is my life I went and sat in a pew today.

Because of today our Saviour rose again and because of today I know/we know that Christ cannot be bound by the cross. Because of today I was reminded again that death cannot hold Him down. And He did that for me.

Yes, your grace still amazes me.

Can you hear God?

nnaaa-ooyyzzz. n o i s e. Noise nOise noIse noiSe noisEnOisenoIsenoiSnoisEnoisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSeNoisenOisenoIsenoiSenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSeNoisenOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoisenoIsenoiSeNOISEnoisEnOisenoIsenoiSeNoisenOisenoIsenoiSenoIsenoiSenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSeNoisenOisenoIsenoiSenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoisenoIsenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSeNoisenOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenOisenoIsenoiSenoIsenoiSenoiSenoisEnoiSenoisENOISEsilencenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSeNoisenOisenoIsenoiSenoIsenoiSenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSeNoisenOisenoIsenoiSenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSeNoisenOisenoIsenOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoisenoIsenoiSeNOISEnoisEnOisenoIsenoiSeNoisenOisenoIsenoiSenoIsenoiSenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnoisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOisenoIsenoiSenoisEnOise.

Did you hear God? Some times we can't hear Him from all the noise.

My Other Mother

Today I received the news that Jean Hamilton passed away early this morning. She had been having some health issues for quite some time but it was this past week that the ambulance was called a few times for her breathing, or lack thereof.

Most people don't know this but she was like a second mother to me. When our family moved from Hamilton to Windsor, Sharon and I were just days old. We moved to Windsor because my dad was going to be the new minister there. Since there were 3 of us (my older sister, my twin and I) under the age of 13months along with my older brother (10yrs), my mother needed help with all of us, moving and getting situated in our new environment. Some families from the congregation wanted to help out and offered to take me and my other sister's in for nights at a time. I was told that when my dad would walk up to the front of the building to begin speaking he would be holding one or two of us and pass us off to families like the Hamilton's so my mom could manage.

I don't have too many memories of those days especially because I was so young but I've been told stories. I do remember sitting at a little kid table and doodling in the kitchen of the Hamilton home while she would be making dinner for her family. I also remember sitting with them on many Sunday's in between Jean and Sheila (their youngest daughter). Sheila always (and still does) had such a wonderful singing voice and I loved sitting next to her just to listen. Jean is also the one who shared with me her secret recipe for chocolate chip cookies which she was famous for.

One story she did tell me about that she loved to share was when I was probably 2 or just learning how to walk anyway. She said that I would be standing on her linoleum floor and wanted to step into the living room which was carpeted. There was no step, just a transition piece from one flooring type to the next. But for me, the one just learning to take a few steps would raise my leg up sooooo high thinking that there was a canyon between the two. The family would be hanging around just watching me and laughing because I made it into something so huge.

But my ultimate, my most favorite memories of her is the smell of the Hamilton home. It was sort of like a mixture between baking and just a clean home. I think the secret ingredient though was love. I will forever have that imprinted in my memory.

Jean, you are such a special part of my life and I'm glad you are able to finally rest and be with the Lord. You have been such a faithful, steadfast woman my entire life. You may have been a frail woman physically but were strong in your faith and beliefs. You raised your children under a loving, Christian roof that is reflected in how they now live their lives. I am honored to have not only known you but shared memories with you and I appreciate you taking me into your home as if I were one of your own. I've been blessed to have known you and I look forward to seeing you again.

Say hi to my dad for me!
Love
Becky xo

Honesty is the best policy

I feel I need to be honest. Brutally honest? Well, hmmm....I'd like to but I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place.

Lately I've been thinking alot about 'stuff' that is going on , has gone on and what is to become. I've been putting alot of worry on my plate when most of it I have no control over. I have no control over what has happened in the past, no control over what is happening currently and no control over future events. I think a part of me is mulling over so many issues that I'm mentally cranky. Does that make sense? I just thought of that phrase as I was typing it. Mentally cranky...that's what I've been lately. I've had negative thoughts or just plain frustration with things that are happening.

I'm the kind of person who is a 'what you see is what you get' type personality, so if you see me smiling I really feel what I'm expressing on my face. I'm not good at being fake and don't intend too hide myself. I'm pretty straightforward when it comes to my emotions.

Well, I could make this post vague but then I might get people asking me what I'm referring to with what I'm talking about. I'm not here to write 'in code' and for people to guess. Forget that. Trust me, if there is something I feel I shouldn't write, I won't write it. I'm not here to offend, I think I use this place as an outlet and for others to read it without me having to have a sitdown with each of you. Blah, blah, blah.

Yesterday I bought a book at Chapter's called 'Quitting Church' by Julia Duin who is a religion editor for the Washington Times. She explains in different chapters why people are leaving the church for feeling disconnected due to one reason or another. I found this book intriguing because I've been finding that as well. It seems people have been leaving the church or church shopping for various reasons. And I'm not just talking about members from the local congregation. I know this is happening in other cities where I've visited in the past year or two.

Anyway, I say all that because it sort of ties in with my mental crankiness. I'm frustrated with the disatisfaction that we have with our worship time together. Don't get me wrong, I have my beefs and disatisfactions too but it just seems to be never ending. Maybe I'm just hearing people complain and it's building up but it gets quite daunting over time. If someone isn't complaining about the singing that Sunday then they will be commenting on the sermon, the technical difficulties that day, the eldership or other. I guess I'm just getting tired of it. Why can't we just go to church and do what we should be doing. Why do we (me included!) have to be so critical or judgemental. SIGH! And trust me, if I were going to a church that met my needs I definitely wouldn't be where I am today. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I attend where I do because they are my family. They have supported me and they are all I have. Or the best debate that still is the thorn in our CofC side is that of women participating up front and instruments. I say that because I know that the teens plan to have a worship service next Sunday night and I'm sure it will ruffle a few feathers again. Seriously! Do we still need to debate over this issue? Again?!

If this is me being honest then I have to say that I honestly think that God must shake his head at us. Why in the world do we focus so much on that part of our worship style when we are competely missing the point of worship service? Someone pointed out recently that there are less than 2 paragraphs in the whole New Testament that have to do with instructions or discussion of orderly worship practices. And yet, we still manage to argue, debate, pray, discuss, hurt others feelings because of how WE feel we should be worshiping. Who do we think we are??? Why in the world do we have a Mission Statement for reaching out to others when we want to ring eachother's necks?

Well, I could write a few blogs on that topic alone but maybe another day. I have other frustrations too. I've debated time and again on whether I should express my thoughts about singledom or not. For me to not write about it eventually would be like not pointing out the elephant in the room (from my perspective anyway). I'm not asking for pity or a look from someone like I'm not 'complete' because I don't have a significant other. But some times I have to admit that it just gets tiring. Yes, I'm sure I could sit down with at least half my married friends and have a good chin-wag on which side of the fence is greener but that's not my point.

Can I make one statement though? What I find as the catch-22 of my predicament is is that I'm suppose to be a happy-go-lucky person (cause, really, who wants to hook up with a grumpypants) yet this waiting period is trying some times. I think, overall, I'm generally a happy person who likes to joke around but there are times when I would just like to exhale. I'm sure I could write a book on all the pieces of advice people have freely offered.

Anyway, I won't exasperate all my thoughts on this on here but it's not just some superficial feeling. I don't think it is much to ask yet my prayers seem to only hit the ceiling. And I know I can't be jealous of what others have been given. You can't blame me for wondering what the 'H' is wrong with me though. It's the constant striving to have a positive attitude that is probably most draining.

Lately, I've just been confused. Can you tell?? There are so many things running through my head and I'm just at a loss as to ...ya, at a loss. Mental Crankiness is what it boils down too but man oh man do I have a long way to go. I guess I better get it off my chest now than have some passive-aggressive rant on someone's face.

A part of me feels I should apologize for my negative attitude but really, I'm just being honest. Some times church can be exhausting. And being single too. Sigh. Another good night sleep awaits me.

Stupid Celebrity Quotes

This is good for a chuckle:

Sarah Jessica Parker - On Twitter: "Is there a point? I really mean this because I've never been on Twitter and I don't understand it - I'm not saying that in a negative way, I really don't understand it. Is there any point at which you say goodnight? Do you actually say, 'I'm going to bed now?'"

Christina Aguilera - "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?"

Britney Spears - "The cool thing about being famous is travelling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff."

Paris Hilton - "Wal-mart... Do they, like, make walls there?"

Mariah Carey - "My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me? I'm tan, I guess."

Victoria Beckham - "I don't know much about football. I know what a goal is, which is surely the main thing about football." (In her defence, she might be referring to soccer since that is what they call it)

David Beckham - "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."

Brooke Shields - "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." (Oh Brooke, I think you took too many pills after your pregnancy)

Jonathon Ross - On Heather Mills: "I wouldn't be surprised if we found out she's actually got two legs."

Jessica Simpson - "Is this chicken that I have or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says chicken by the sea..."

Russell Brand - "Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger'. What a sexy little paradox.

Madonna - "I won't be happy till I'm as famous as God."

Kate Moss - "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."

Arnold Schwarzenegger - "I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."

Hotmail spam

Lately my email/hotmail account has been sending out Viagra/spam emails to my friends. I'm not sure what has happened for all of this to occur but my friends responses are kind of funny. Did they actually think 'I' would send out an email like that??? Seriously folks, an no offence, but I really don't care about your personal life to that extent. You're great people and all but helping you in the bedroom would be crossing the line. Especially when it comes to family!!!

So, my apologies for the emails and I've changed my password so hopefully it has been rectified. *wink* If you do need a little help in 'that area' then maybe I have been of some help. Just please don't tell me about it.

Faith

I've been thinking about faith lately. In my opinion, I feel that it is constantly 'moving' either having more of it or falling behind. Although I don't think it is non-existant at this point in my life, I do however, feel somewhat complacent with it. Nothing too exciting is happening at the moment (which, to some, would be a good thing) but I guess I feel like I need to work at my faith right now. It's there. I have it yet it's just sort of there. I'm going through the motions I guess.

(It's sort of hard to write down all that I'm thinking because questions keep popping up or analogies and it's hard to have some sort of structure to all my thoughts.)

So, if my faith is sort of 'just there' is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Does there have to be some drama or a situation going on in my life to make it grow?

I guess no matter what the circumstances are in my life I have to continue to work at my faith. I've used an analogy of canoeing to that of relationships and in some ways I think it is similar to faith as well. This is my view on relationships. They are like canoeing. Two people are in the canoe (your relationship with whomever) and it doesn't matter who is in the front or the back because both need to be working together to make the boat move. If one person is doing all the work you might just end up in circles. And when the waters are smooth it doesn't mean you stop paddling. That's the time when you can work together and find out a pattern of what works for you and what doesn't. It's when the waters are rough that it will test your skills of how well you work together.

I guess the analogy can be the same with faith. Just because I may be complacent doesn't mean I need to stop studying or praying (prayer - that's a whole other discussion and struggle I have). This is the time that I can focus on it and not be distracted with the things that are happening (or not) in my life.

Another question or thought.

Why does our faith grow weak when things aren't happening the way we would like it to?
Why does our faith grow stronger when our prayer is finally answered?

It may seem silly to ask such a questions, however, in Hebrews 11 the writer lists the members of the 'Hall of Faith'. They are people in the Bible that lived by faith yet in vs 13 it states that they did not receive the things promised to them. They were only able to see them and welcome them from a distance.

To me, THAT is faith. Faith is having the perserverance and living it out in action even when we may not see the fruits of our labour right at this moment. A part of me wishes I could read between the lines and get into their minds and know that they struggled just as much, if not more than we do. Sure Abraham and Sarah struggled to have a child and it was described in Genesis over the course of six chapters. But, from the time God promised Abraham a child to when Isaac was born was 25 yrs! That's a lifetime to some and we can see the struggle that Sarah had convincing herself that the promise might have been meant for her servant and not her. Yet in those long 25 yrs their faith stood out above all the struggle and it is mentioned in just a few lines in Hebrews 11.

Faith isn't just a feeling but it is an action just the way love is. Trust me, I may see that these people had faith but I don't feel I am living it out in action some times. I have my doubt's about things and feel my faith isn't strong enough or my prayers are sincere enough. But I say that mainly because I feel my requests haven't been answered to the way I would like them to be. Or, I don't know what God is expecting of me. I feel my faith is small because I feel I am at a loss as to what He wants me to fulfill.

Am I fulfilling His will? How do I know? How can I listen to Him to know what He is requiring of me? Maybe I am growing because I'm at least taking the time to contemplate such questions, longing for some answers and desiring to do His will.

Thinking about you

Yes, I've been thinking about you (used in plural). Although I may be busy I do have time to at least think about you and what you are going through. I know I can only do so much in a day and some times I'm amazed at what I have done. But still, I wish I had time to extend myself to you and spend the quality time to be there for you. Unfortunately there are only 24hrs in a day and 2/3 of it is for sleeping and working.

I want to be there to hold your hand when you are going through a difficult time. You may have a physical ailment holding you down and you may have a personal issue that is taking over your day-to-day. Either way, there are those that I think about on a daily basis yet I may not say it.

Seems many are going through struggles. An illness, a divorce, a break-up, a fight, being single (not just me), being spiritually down and don't know where to turn. To the person that just found out today that you will need to have a double mastectomy by Friday, my heart goes out to you. To the one who has to endure another treatment; to the one who isn't getting along with their spouse; to the one who wants a spouse. No matter what the situation I hope you know there is at least one person thinking of you. I may not say it through a letter or a card or words but you are thought of and loved.

Stay strong and hopefully you will soon find peace and come out of the storm.

I heart Canada

Wow! What a way to finish the winter Olympics this year with the men's hockey game between Canada vs US! I'm definitely proud to be Canadian. Not that I wasn't before but I found it quite inspiring to see everyone uniting to cheer on our fellow citizens.

One thing I know for sure, I couldn't do this every year! The stress from that game was intense and I'm sure everyone else felt the same way. And, not only did we win GOLD for the men's hockey but we also broke the record with the highest amount of gold medals won surpassing the USSR in 1976 (thanks, Hope, for the tidbit).

Although I didn't watch much of the Olympics I did enjoy watching the women and men's hockey games.

Good job Canada. Job well done eh? I'm glad we were able to create some humour in the final ceremonies in regards to the malfunctions in the opening ceremonies and also our habitual statements like 'I'm sorry' or 'eh'.

Things to do today

6am - Wake up and eat some yogurt so I don't faint when I workout
7am - Workout in the NW
815am - Go to the deep SW to prep for a painting job tomorrow
10am - Do two loads of laundry, check email, scarf something down (in SE)
Noon - Nail appointment
2pm - Prep for another paint job I have tomorrow (in New Discovery)
3pm - Pick up paint for job tomorrow (near Mardaloop)
4pm - Meet with another client to discuss options for her bedroom colors (deep South)
7pm - Go to Book party that I was invited to.

If I don't make it to the party it is due to the fact that I worked 10hrs yesterday, was exhausted and running around today.

I'm tired just looking at my list.
Busy but I guess that's how I roll.

Where less guilt lies

I'm beginning to dread Sunday nights. I don't want to but it is turning out that way. Not because I'm helping out with the teens. Far from it, however, tonight there could've been less drama.

What I'm referring to is the situation with my mother. As stated in previous posts, her health is declining and she seems to be deteriorating faster as time goes on. A typical Sunday will be as follows: Go to church, phone my mom after service and chat for a few minutes, run some errands, go to Ignite at 5pm - 8pm and now (as of the past couple months) receive a phone call from my sisters in regards to the status of my mom. Although I talk with my mom and she may sound fine there are so many underlying issues that she doesn't want me to know about. Our conversations are short and typically the same topics. Weather, how my job is, if she went to church and how the sermon was and guarenteed she will need to confirm the time difference. I've been out here for 10+ yrs now and she still needs to know if she is ahead or behind me and by how much.

The struggle I have is more of what I am to do. How do I contribute to the situation to the best of my ability with being so far away and with as little guilt as possible? I've debated this issue time and again about whether to move back and it doesn't seem possible but how can I even take a few months to go there and do.....what? I feel like I'm useless in this situation and I can't take care of her even if I was there. Hence why we have her in a home. She is scheduled for her other knee surgery April 1 and once she is able to be released from the hospital my sisters and I have planned to put her in a home where it will be the last one she will go to (if you know what I mean). It's not like I can just move there. Move where? Start over there where the unemployment rate is high and people are just leaving their homes empty because they can't sell them since they had to split town. That area is built on the auto industry...and we know what has happened with that!

If I stay here but go back for a while I will still need to work to pay for my livelihood here even when I'm not actually living here (rent, car, bills, etc). I'm sure I can find some work there but most of the jobs I could find (since I had some opportunities the last time I was there) would be 4hrs away from my family. So really I'll be there. But. Not. And really my mom needs full-time care. I mean. Full-time. I've wanted to write my mom a letter a least or something but I know she's deteriorated alot when I have to ask her if she can still read. If anything I can send her pictures.

Then I think that I need to give this concern to the Lord. Tell Him, through prayer, my concerns yet some times I feel my faith is so small. So small. I have a hard time letting go and I'm not sure what my direction is. I know that He hears our prayers but then I struggle because I know I've said many a prayer and it's not like they gone unanswered. They've just been answered in a way that I wasn't expecting or didn't like. I guess that's where you really have a test of your faith when you stay faithful regardless of the outcome. It's easy to have faith when things turn out the way you had originally hoped. The barren woman who finally becomes pregnant or adopts. The single person who finally finds true love. (both situations are actual events of people that have happened within the last 3 months) But what about those who's prayers have been heard but God says 'no' or 'not right now' or 'I have other plans for you'????

What if I am to move back home? What if He wants me to stay here and continue what I'm doing because He has other plans for me?? What if He requires of me something that He knows I can do but I don't feel I am qualified to fulfill?? This is when I'm reminded of when Joshua became leader of the Israelite nation after Moses died. Joshua was qualified in God's eyes but He had to remind Joshua to not be afraid.

How can I not be afraid? In some ways I think it would be an easier way out if I was married and had children because then it would seem more 'acceptable' to say that I am unable to pick up and move. Sad but true. Ask yourself if you would pick up and move under the same circumstances. However, that isn't the case. My situation would allow me to pick up and move since I don't have dependants. The flip side to it is that I am my own support. I've all I've got when it comes to being responsible for paying my own bills. I feel like I'm being torn in regards to where my needs are to be.

See, just a cyclical chain of events that wear me out, make me cry and cause my eyes to be tired. I just wish my mom didn't have this disease. I wish I didn't have to see her deteriorate the way she is. Granted, I may not see it visually but I know what's going on and it saddens me. Selfishly I wish I didn't have to deal with this at this age and especially on my own. I don't know where I'm to be.

Off to bed. My head hurts from thinking in circles.

The Boring Life

Most of you know that I am a fan of watching The Bachelor/ette. I've been watching it since Deanna turned Jason down a few seasons ago. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I've gotten some friends hooked on it. I say unfortunately because they have gone the extra mile to not only watch the show but read all the 'spoilers' for it and now I am hooked on them too!!

Lately I've been reading Reality Steve's blog on all that he knows in regards to who is the final choice for this season's bachelor Jake. In one of his recent blogs or in a radio Q & A with Steve someone had mentioned that they are friends with one of Jake's ex's (probably a cousin to the sister of the friend...blah, blah, blah...you get my drift).

Anyway, her comment was that Jake is 'really boring'. She said that he never wanted to drink or party and just stayed at home, etc. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but when did boring get associated with not drinking? I rarely drink and have never been drunk but I think I can find fun in alot of situations. Gosh, I tell people I don't drink not because of religious views but more admittedly because I can do stupid and embarrassing stuff without the influence of alcohol. No joke. I love to laugh and when people find out I've never been drunk they will make a comment like, 'Man, you would be a hilarious drunk if you laugh this hard when you're sober.' Really?

And as far as partying, well, I used to go to clubs but that was back in the day and honestly, not much has changed since then. That's what I call boring. Show me something else that goes on that is different from 15 yrs ago and I might consider crossing that threshold but for now I'll stick to the social life I have outside of a bar.

I'm not going to go into too deep a conversation with all of this but I sort of found it funny that that is the association. Granted, I'm sure there is more to the statement than she has communicated in this Q & A but the bottom line to me is, I'd rather be boring and enjoy the blissful life I have.

Off to Fabricland. JK.

Inglewood Murder

***Warning*** Some of the things mentioned in this post may be graphic for the viewing audience.

The other night I was driving home around 830pm and as I was about to turn into my neighbourhood, I saw a police car with flashing lights blocking the road I needed to turn onto to get to my place. I had no idea what was going on and didn't want to ask any questions so I turned around and went around the back way to get to my condo. When I was in my place I could look out my bedroom window or go out onto my balcony and look at the 4 cop cars surrounding the place as well as the two mini-vans. They also had a portion of the street blocked off with police tape. I did go out on my balcony at one point to get a better view but could hear the police chatting about something but since I didn't want to eavesdrop so I went back inside. I still had no idea what was going on but thought they were just surrounding a house that had drugs or something. Who knows!

Since all of this was happening and didn't seem to be going away I went to bed but woke up at 4am to see that they were still out there and by the morning the news crew had joined them. Now I was really curious as to what was going on. Since that time I've read the newspapers and checked 660 News on the net to find out that there was a man who was brutally beaten up and later died in the hospital from a cardiac arrest (including the beating as well). It is believed that he was in his mid-30's.

As much as you hear stories like this and may not even give it a second thought I think since this one hits so close to home for me (literally) it has been on my mind alot. The street I live on isn't a busy street and with the facts given I've been throwing different scenarios in my mind of how the events took place. I think I can visualize it pretty well since I used to walk that path on my way to the bus stop when I worked at Black's Photography. At first I thought they most likely knew each other and the altercation just got out of hand. Either way, that's not the case. This was just a random incident involving two strangers.

Was the victim just taking a walk? I would probably think so since there isn't much around the neighbourhood unless he was going to the local convenience store. The poor guy had no idea that he was walking into his own death. Did the person committing the act do this for gang related initiations? Did he hide behind that big blue truck that has a bumper sticker in the window that says, 'I raised my truck cause fat chics can't climb.'? Yes, I am all too familiar with this area and so it won't leave my mind.

When I had first heard about what had happened the reports stated that he had some lacerations on his face and died later from a cardiac arrest. In my mind I was envisioning a few cuts on his face but the shock of the beating that took place caused the heart attack and death. Now, the papers are saying that he was cut so badly that police and other investigators are unable to recognize the man! They are now having to refer to dental records for the identification of the victim since no ID was found on him. Seriously?! To envision someone, pretty much, without a face is baffeling.

The newspaper stated today that the murderer just moved here from Red Deer and has 3 children! What?! What in the world would prompt anyone to commit such a horrible crime? Is something in your life that terrible that you need to feel compelled to put someone else's timeline in your hands?

Anyway, since I drive by the scene of the crime at least twice a day this has been on my mind. My heart goes out to the victim and his family. Such a tragedy for both the victim, their families and the young father of 3 who may regret this for the rest of his life.

Wordless Wednesday

One more sleep

To my dear friends, the Brown's, may you have safe travels and I will miss you guys. You have blessed not only me but our church family and many others throughout Calgary whether through work or school. Thanks for being a great example of what happens when you make the most of opportunities set before you.

Be blessed. I know I've been.

Dear Patroller Number 16

I would like to thank you for almost bringing me to tears today when I saw the wonderful blue ticket you left for me on my windshield. Actually, you should be thanking me that I am not writing this letter to you after I received it or you would've been hearing some choice words. However, since I found my surprise this afternoon I have had a chance to burn off some energy that would've been otherwise thrown in your direction.

Of course, I have to admit that I'm not sure who I'm more upset at, you or myself. You see, my luck with parking in the past year hasn't been top notch. What erks (?) me is that I did exactly what was told of me today. I parked my car, paid for my ticket, put it in my windshield and even came back just in time before it expired. But, of course, as I walked around to the front of my car there your letter sat. Soaking as it may be from the snow falling on it but still legible enough for me to read the violation I had committed:

'Failure to display valid receipt'

Arrrggghhh!!! Seriously?!

What makes it worse is that the time from when I purchased the ticket to when you walked over to my car was a sad 7 minutes. What? Do you just sit in the parking lot and hide until you know I'm officially out of the area before overcharging your ridiculous price!!?? Were you also hiding out waiting for my return to see my reaction too just for your own self-satisfaction?

Ugh!

You know, maybe if I made some more money and knew when my next paycheque would be I wouldn't be as miffed as I am. However, to know how hard I work for the $65 that you might consider 'chump change' frustrates me to no end. I admit that I made an error and can own up to that but $65!!!

With all that said, I hope you enjoyed your day today knowing that you have taken money from someone who made an innocent mistake. Sleep well, my friend. Karma is a kick in the pants! And please don't take any offence to this but I hope to never see you again.

Sincerely,
Your worst nightmare if ever our paths cross down a dark alley

0 - 22 in a flash

I've decided. After this past weekend I've decided that I really don't think I should have children. As my last post stated I spent this past weekend with the teens from our church. I feel like myself and the 3 other leaders birthed 22 teens in a matter of seconds. I went from being single in one moment to being responsible or being a somewhat caregiver to a bunch of hormone raging youth in the next.

We went to Pine Lake Camp and since there weren't too many of us we all stayed in the main building. We had a lot of fun on the weekend hanging out, singing, building igloos and creating memories (good and not so good). I had the opportunity to bond with some of the girls but overall get to know everyone on a different level.

At first I was a little hesitant to go because I was afraid of all the screaming and what the boys had in mind. It amazes me what they can come up with to do for fun. I guess it doesn't matter how secluded the environment is that you put them in, they will find a way to entertain themselves. I find it weird too that the boys will have a screaming contest....just for the heck of it. Weird but funny. There was one moment when I was sitting in the mess hall and one of the boys ran up to me and asked if I could watch him. What him do what? He said he was jumping off the balcony outside into a pile of snow. Eeek!! I'm so glad no one hurt themself!

Aside from the boys doing things they shouldn't be doing there was also the element of girls liking boys and boys checking out girls. In some ways I felt like I had to sleep with one eye open for fear of some of them sneaking off somewhere.

Oy! These are just some of the reasons why I don't think I should have children. I feel like I would be worried too much about what they are doing or aren't doing. I couldn't imagine being a parent because the anxiety and stress of it all would kill me. Of course, I'm saying this from the perspective of going from singledom to a teenage parent in lightspeed. You parents have at least 9 months to prepare for what is to come and spend the rest of your life adjusting to.

God bless you parents. The weekend was good and I'm glad for the memories.

Pre-Fire n Ice

This weekend I'm scheduled to go to the annual Teen Fire n Ice at Pine Lake Christian Camp. I've never been to this type of function so I'm not really sure what to expect. Well, I'm anticipating a bunch of screaming hyper-active teens who plan to stay up till all hours of the night while I might possibly be crying in a corner wishing I were sleeping (with one eye open of course).

Actually, this is my first year volunteering with the Ignite group and it's been better than I expected (no offence). I was expecting that I'd be quite annoyed with the craziness that happens but surprisingly (on my end) I have taken it with stride. Of course, there is the loud screaming and running around and insane personalities, that's a given but I'm more calm about it then originally thought.

If anything, I'm desiring to build relationships with these teens. There are some girls I've connected with already and it's been great. I just know that I'd like to be there for them if they need someone to talk to. If they don't want to talk with their parents or some other 'higher power' (ie. teachers, etc) in their life then I would hope that they could come to me.

Another thing which I find of great importance is that I hope these kids will continue their relationship with God and feel connected in our church once they move on from Ignite. I'm finding all too frequently that once they have graduated it's like they've been telaported (?)out of the church as well. Where have they gone?

Where have you gone young people? You are a part of our congregation. You matter. It may not seem like it but you do. We've probably let you down and that is our own mistake and I hope that we can do better for the next group of kids.

I hope that whoever reads this will take to heart these concerns that not only I have. May you be challenged to take that moment and encourage one of our young adults and make them feel welcome and a part of our church history.

The Invention of Lying

I watched the above-mentioned movie tonight starring Richard Garvis and Jennifer Garner. In a way it was sort of a corny movie but the curiosity got the best of me and I felt like sitting in front of the boob tube tonight. The movie was about a man named Mark (RG) who tells the world a bunch of 'lies' as to ease their minds of what to expect in the afterlife. I won't go into all the details of the movie but his original intent of his lies were to help his dying mother but when other people heard what he was saying to his mother they believed what he said to be true.

The love story intertwined in this movie is that he is in love with his best friend (JG) but she feels she can't love him based on his physical looks. She tells him that she can't love him because her genetic makeup would be far superior to his and it just isn't acceptable to societies standards. (The genuine honesty in the movie is quite funny and I couldn't imagine if we actually talked that way to each other. Quite harsh!)

The irony of the whole movie, from a christian perspective (well, mine anyway), is that what the movie was portraying as lies is actual truth and the truth, to societies standards, are actual lies. The lies he was saying was that there is a 'big man in the sky' and he will build a mansion for everyone (John 14:2). The truth they were believing was that they needed to be matched up with genetically gifted people to succeed in life and that the lead character was considered a loser because he was a short, fat man with a pug nose.

Seems our worldly perspective is distorted through our eyes.

What I also find interesting is that the other night I was reading 1 Corinthians 1:26-29.

Remember, dear brother and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world's eyes, or powerful, or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God deliberately chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose those who are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important, so that no once can ever boast in the presence of God. (bold emphasis mine)

God chose this methodology so we would be clear that the power came from Him and not us. It also reminds me of the message in James 1 saying that we should be joyful in our suffering. To our human standards this doesn't make sense, just like it didn't make sense in the movie. However, what I have discovered from my own experience and in others lives is that when you are at your lowest point in life that is where you will find God (or the 'big man in the sky'). Of course, I think God is in our highest points too but I think we completely miss His presence in those moments. Some times it's pride or us just plain dwelling in our own self-righteousness that clouds His presence when we should be giving Him glory and praise in the good times. But it's in the not-so-good moments and when we feel alone that God is with us and we see Him more clearly.

Well, I feel like I'm going off on another tangent with the last part but it sort of ties in together.

Philippians 4:4

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Post Breakforth

Well, after a weekend of singing and soaking in I think it is understandable if alot of people who attended Breakforth wanted to relax today.

I had a great time this past weekend and especially getting to know more about the people I traveled with. I didn't realize Chelsey was so funny. We definitely had our moments and I loved it when she'd 'pretend' she was having a contraction to sort of let people move out of the way for her to get through the crowd. She didn't do it often but I hear she was a conversation piece...haha. Personally I think she should've milked it for all it's worth but she was a trooper. No wonder she's a mother...they can do just about anything!

I think the best class or lecture I went to was with Frank Peretti. He's quite an animated speaker but his message was really good too. I also attended a class taught by Shannon Etheridge who is a talented speaker and writer. One of the other classes I went to was on being co-dependant but after listening a while I realize I don't see myself as that type a person. I've had some people say that I have that personality type but after listening to this speaker this weekend I definitely don't see myself in that category at all. Or, should I ask, if you do think that I drain you emotionally and feel the need to be validated through you, then let me know. I think I feel the need for socialization and I thrive on relationships with people but I definitely don't think I drain people emotionally.

As much as the weekend is an encouragement and uplifting I know that some can come back home and slide down after such a high. I don't think I was on a 'high' so much but more reflective. I'd like to do more, even if I have wanted to say no to things. But more in the sense of focusing on relationships that mean a lot to me. First is my relationship with God. I know I need to work on my prayer life and daily Bible reading. Anything after that is a by-product of the relationship I have with Him. I'd like to be more intentional as well.

I think this weekend has helped stir up some things that I've been doing, sins I've been committing and giving me a repentant heart. Thankfully we are covered by grace. Not that it makes it easier for me to sin knowing that I will be forgiven. If that's the case I am missing the point altogether. God is a forgiving God and I need to be more forgiving and loving. And some days that's just hard to do but ....when God works through me by His grace (1 Cor 15:10), I know extraordinary things can happen.

Breakforth 2010

This weekend I'm going to Breakforth Canada which is a huge Christian conference in Edmonton. Aside from the fact that it's usually butt cold there and it's in Edmonchuck (as some would say), I absolutely love it. I enjoy the speakers and the bands that play but I think my most favorite part is seeing everyone in one room at once.

With 15000 people the hallways can get quite crowded and it feels like any mall on Christmas Eve but when everyone is singing praises to God it's quite a magnificent view. Personally, I like sitting at the back of the auditorium so I can see everyone. When the stage lights scan the audience and all you see are the tops of their heads I envision what a small glimpse of what heaven will be like. When you have that picture in your mind it sort of blows you away at the magnitude God and heaven are. I'm sure the mere 15000 people would barely cover the hem of his robe but, again, it puts it into perspective of how big our God is. Whew! What an encouragement!

With that thought, I'm off! I hope to praise God, soak up some wisdom and be a sponge! Praise be to God!

See ya folks!

Thursday's Question of the Day

Someone recently said to me that they were a Christian, became an athiest then asked God to 'meet them half-way' and He did.

Does that happen? Does God meet us half-way? I thought God was already there and is always there it's us that has to show up.

Something to ponder today while I paint.

Tonight's phone call

I think I need to apologize to the people at Ignite tonight as my attitude needed an adjustment in a big way. I guess I just wasn't in the mood for screaming teenagers. Usually I can tolerate the constant yelling and just shake my head at some boyish behaviour but tonight my mind was elsewhere.

I was actually waiting for a phone call from my sisters to discuss my mom's current situation. Last fall I went home for a month to be with my mom and some surgery she needed (knee replacement) but it's dealing with the Alzheimer's that adds to a difficult situation for a senior citizen. Since then people have been asking how she is doing and up until recently I could confidently say that she was doing well and the surgery was a big benefit to her health. Unfortunately though her mind is deteriorating quicker than I expected.

By no means do I need to go into details as I need to give some respect to my mom but its just such a terrible disease. She doesn't realize she needs help for the more simple tasks of day-to-day and yes she is in a home that gives adequate care. However, the fear is that she will need to move to a home that has more extensive care sooner than we were expecting.

Since she was diagnosed with this disease a few short years ago (four), she has moved from the house that her and her 2nd husband moved into, to two other nursing homes with each one providing more care as time goes on. She's also been going through tests to see what stage she is at in regards to this disease. The problem with it is that she may sound fine either on the phone or for an interview that can last 20 min but the person doing the testing doesn't see her on a regular basis to know how much help she needs.

This past week a nurse (don't know the proper terminology) did some testing with my mom and came to the conclusion that she was well enough to make decisions on her own and didn't need the help of my sister who has been carrying the brunt of the decisions making since her diagnosis. After the nurse gave the approval for my mom one of the nursing homes (one of the better ones) called and said that there was a bed available for her. Please note: my sister put her on a waiting list which could be 2 or 3 yrs before entering its facility. My mom didn't understand what it was all about and said that she was fine where she was and declined the room available to her. This was quite devastating to my sister and to us (my twin and I) since she would have to start at the beginning again and we'd have to wait 6 months before we could even apply again. Also, if she gets worse and the home where she's at can't meet her needs she would have to move in with my sister until a bed was available.

Anyway, thankfully my sister contacted another nurse that knows more about my mom's situation and has reverted the process and we can continue to look at options for her. It's hard to make these big decisions especially when it comes to entrusting others to the health and well-being of your parents.

I definitely feel too young for this and it pains me to see my mom declining from what she was which is now just a beautiful memory. I feel for my sister too that has to make these decisions since I'm not there. I've considered moving back home but for what? I could go into the battle I've had with myself of whether to go or not but I'll leave that for now. She doesn't really know alot anyway. She used to watch tv but now she doesn't even do that. Reading is completely out of the question and, well, she's just not there any more. Thankfully she still remembers who I am and that on Sunday's after church service she will get a call from me. I started that routine a few years ago and since its a routine now she is used to it and looks forward to it.

So, these are the concerns I have that I don't discuss too much but in a way it's hard to when no one here has known her or maybe even met her. But the point is, she's my mom. It's hard. My dad passed away 15 yrs ago and my mom is at this stage in life. It sucks. It just plain sucks. I know I have friends here that are like family but some times I just don't know if I can do it on my own. I may come across strong about it but I don't like to talk about it. Tonight I had to though. Reality sets in and when God calls her home I just don't know. It's just hard.

And, I hate to add this part but in a way I sort of want to. Someone had made a comment on CB's blog about concerns that she had with things going on in her life and their point was that the concerns she had paled in comparison to the concerns of what is going on in Haiti. Granted, yes they may be smaller and to whomever that person is, maybe this would be too but you know....this is my mom. If someone wrote something like that on here as a comment that would crush me. These may not be as heavy as 7.2 richtor scale earthquake but to me if she was gone my life will shatter just a little. And to God ALL of it is important. All our concerns He takes to heart. Just because that one incident happened doesn't mean that all other concerns are for nothing. He cares for us all and so much so that He sent His Son so that we can live in peace with Him.

I hope the people in Haiti find peace, I hope that others around me find peace in the concerns they have in their life and I pray for my mom that she finds peace in her heart as her time here may be short. She may not remember much or be able to function much but the love she has for Christ is still strong and is evident even with this disease that is taking over her life.