Breakforth 2010

This weekend I'm going to Breakforth Canada which is a huge Christian conference in Edmonton. Aside from the fact that it's usually butt cold there and it's in Edmonchuck (as some would say), I absolutely love it. I enjoy the speakers and the bands that play but I think my most favorite part is seeing everyone in one room at once.

With 15000 people the hallways can get quite crowded and it feels like any mall on Christmas Eve but when everyone is singing praises to God it's quite a magnificent view. Personally, I like sitting at the back of the auditorium so I can see everyone. When the stage lights scan the audience and all you see are the tops of their heads I envision what a small glimpse of what heaven will be like. When you have that picture in your mind it sort of blows you away at the magnitude God and heaven are. I'm sure the mere 15000 people would barely cover the hem of his robe but, again, it puts it into perspective of how big our God is. Whew! What an encouragement!

With that thought, I'm off! I hope to praise God, soak up some wisdom and be a sponge! Praise be to God!

See ya folks!

Thursday's Question of the Day

Someone recently said to me that they were a Christian, became an athiest then asked God to 'meet them half-way' and He did.

Does that happen? Does God meet us half-way? I thought God was already there and is always there it's us that has to show up.

Something to ponder today while I paint.

Tonight's phone call

I think I need to apologize to the people at Ignite tonight as my attitude needed an adjustment in a big way. I guess I just wasn't in the mood for screaming teenagers. Usually I can tolerate the constant yelling and just shake my head at some boyish behaviour but tonight my mind was elsewhere.

I was actually waiting for a phone call from my sisters to discuss my mom's current situation. Last fall I went home for a month to be with my mom and some surgery she needed (knee replacement) but it's dealing with the Alzheimer's that adds to a difficult situation for a senior citizen. Since then people have been asking how she is doing and up until recently I could confidently say that she was doing well and the surgery was a big benefit to her health. Unfortunately though her mind is deteriorating quicker than I expected.

By no means do I need to go into details as I need to give some respect to my mom but its just such a terrible disease. She doesn't realize she needs help for the more simple tasks of day-to-day and yes she is in a home that gives adequate care. However, the fear is that she will need to move to a home that has more extensive care sooner than we were expecting.

Since she was diagnosed with this disease a few short years ago (four), she has moved from the house that her and her 2nd husband moved into, to two other nursing homes with each one providing more care as time goes on. She's also been going through tests to see what stage she is at in regards to this disease. The problem with it is that she may sound fine either on the phone or for an interview that can last 20 min but the person doing the testing doesn't see her on a regular basis to know how much help she needs.

This past week a nurse (don't know the proper terminology) did some testing with my mom and came to the conclusion that she was well enough to make decisions on her own and didn't need the help of my sister who has been carrying the brunt of the decisions making since her diagnosis. After the nurse gave the approval for my mom one of the nursing homes (one of the better ones) called and said that there was a bed available for her. Please note: my sister put her on a waiting list which could be 2 or 3 yrs before entering its facility. My mom didn't understand what it was all about and said that she was fine where she was and declined the room available to her. This was quite devastating to my sister and to us (my twin and I) since she would have to start at the beginning again and we'd have to wait 6 months before we could even apply again. Also, if she gets worse and the home where she's at can't meet her needs she would have to move in with my sister until a bed was available.

Anyway, thankfully my sister contacted another nurse that knows more about my mom's situation and has reverted the process and we can continue to look at options for her. It's hard to make these big decisions especially when it comes to entrusting others to the health and well-being of your parents.

I definitely feel too young for this and it pains me to see my mom declining from what she was which is now just a beautiful memory. I feel for my sister too that has to make these decisions since I'm not there. I've considered moving back home but for what? I could go into the battle I've had with myself of whether to go or not but I'll leave that for now. She doesn't really know alot anyway. She used to watch tv but now she doesn't even do that. Reading is completely out of the question and, well, she's just not there any more. Thankfully she still remembers who I am and that on Sunday's after church service she will get a call from me. I started that routine a few years ago and since its a routine now she is used to it and looks forward to it.

So, these are the concerns I have that I don't discuss too much but in a way it's hard to when no one here has known her or maybe even met her. But the point is, she's my mom. It's hard. My dad passed away 15 yrs ago and my mom is at this stage in life. It sucks. It just plain sucks. I know I have friends here that are like family but some times I just don't know if I can do it on my own. I may come across strong about it but I don't like to talk about it. Tonight I had to though. Reality sets in and when God calls her home I just don't know. It's just hard.

And, I hate to add this part but in a way I sort of want to. Someone had made a comment on CB's blog about concerns that she had with things going on in her life and their point was that the concerns she had paled in comparison to the concerns of what is going on in Haiti. Granted, yes they may be smaller and to whomever that person is, maybe this would be too but you know....this is my mom. If someone wrote something like that on here as a comment that would crush me. These may not be as heavy as 7.2 richtor scale earthquake but to me if she was gone my life will shatter just a little. And to God ALL of it is important. All our concerns He takes to heart. Just because that one incident happened doesn't mean that all other concerns are for nothing. He cares for us all and so much so that He sent His Son so that we can live in peace with Him.

I hope the people in Haiti find peace, I hope that others around me find peace in the concerns they have in their life and I pray for my mom that she finds peace in her heart as her time here may be short. She may not remember much or be able to function much but the love she has for Christ is still strong and is evident even with this disease that is taking over her life.

Question of the day

What would you rather have:

A) A good looking face and an ugly body

or

B) An ugly face and a hot body

And you can't choose the best of both worlds.

Haiti Benefit

Last night I went to a benefit concert to raise money for Haiti at Centre Street. I have to say, I commend the people that put it together on such short notice. Everything went smoothly and there were some artists there that I hadn't heard before and others that I was looking forward to seeing (Steve Bell). It was such a wonderful event to be a part of and to contribute to the disaster relief team Samaritan's Purse and Compassion Canada.

At the end a team from Compassion Canada spoke about the experience they had when they were there. Brent (forget his last name) said they had arrived an hour before the earthquake hit and thankfully they were on bus heading towards their hotel instead of in their hotel as it collapsed. Their bus also stopped right in front of the Canadian Embassy which allowed them free acceptance with no questions asked upon showing their Canadian Passport. In fact, with all the screaming and distruction going on around them as they entered the CE the person opening the gate for them said, 'Welcome to Canada'.

That story made me think of heaven and what Christ has done for us. We can be at the gate and all we need is to have Christ represent us and with no questions asked the gate is open and someone saying 'Welcome.' What a comforting feeling! I'm so thankful that Christ is my representative and I am but a mere ambassador. I hope and pray I do my job well.

The good news about last night too was that with all the donations we were able to raise $115, 000 and they weren't finished counting up all the money. There was also an organization (forget which one) said they would match it. Isn't that great!!

Yes, God was glorified last night and I pray that the Haitians know that they are thought of and God is with them.

Hopefully it's just the beginning

So far 2010 is looking pretty good. Job-wise I am starting to pick up some painting jobs and they are turning out larger than expected. Although I didn't get a job at the City last week other things are starting to look promising. Yeah! I love painting anyway so it's a win-win situation.

Also, I'm going on a date tonight. I say that loosely but still....it's a date. I think now that I'm older and have been let down time and again I have little or no expectations. Although, I will say the guy must be pretty smart since he's taking the chance on going out with a great gal such as myself (had to throw that in there). I haven't gotten all giddy about it the way I might have years ago and haven't even thought past tonight. In fact, I haven't put much thought into any of it. Gosh, I just picked out what to wear 10 min ago. And, I'm sure most women can agree that that thought pattern is normal for us. So for any men reading this, yes we think FAR in advance to prepare for everything.

The only thing I expect is for him to show up and us to have a fun time. Of course, I have had a friend that has been stood up a couple times which I think is just awful. I pray that never happens to me but never say never, right?

Anyway, wish me luck and don't expect any details. Not that there will be much to tell ....I just don't expect anything past tonight and I'm totally cool with that. It's just a fun night and it's not a girls night. Most of my friends or all of my girlfriends are married and love girls night. Well, no offence but that is every night for me so I'm going to relish in the fun and 'laugh until my cheeks hurt.' (see the icon on the left side of your screen)

Hopefully it's just the beginning of a good year. ;-)

Are you 'in' or 'out'?

In the last few weeks I've had an opportunity to converse with different people and at one point or another in our conversation the topic of 'fitting in' has come up. These people are of different gender from one another, different age groups and status (to some degree). By no means did I guide the conversation in any way to end up on that topic, I actually found it interesting that they've sort of fallen into that discussion. Two of the discussions happened even hours a part from one another but it sort of made me do some thinking (surprise, surprise).

Fitting in? How do I fit in? Where do I fit in and what role do I play when I do fit in? What constitutes me as fitting 'in' or not? Who says which category I belong to?

I may not have the answers to these questions and if I did I think I'd have to have a book dedicated to this topic. Actually, I find all these questions interesting, thought-provoking but also normal. I say normal because I think it is human nature for us to feel somewhat unsettled when it comes to feeling included or not. Everyone wants to feel welcome, loved, appreciated, etc. but we may have moments in our lives when we just aren't feeling it. So, why do we get like this? Personally, (and this is my blog so I'm entitled to my opinion) I think it has to do with two ingredients: insecurity and reassurance. Granted, these are blanket ingredients and I'm sure there are other factors concerning this topic but I'm speaking in general terms.

I believe that everyone has some level of insecurity whether its an ounce or a tonne, either way it still exists. I'm not saying it in a negative way but more of a factual way. There may be times when I can be oozing with confidence but then there are other times when I can be my own worst enemy. Some may say I appear confident because of my big smile or loud laugh but inside I may feel quite alone and separated from the people around me. Typically I'm a 'what you see is what you get' sort of gal so if happiness isn't pouring out of me, you'll probably know.

This is why we should NEVER judge our insides with someone's outsides. It just causes great distress when really you have no idea what they are feeling. And, you're basing your emotional state with their physical appearance which have no comparible relevance to each other in the least.

Reassurance is another factor in all this talk of 'fitting in'. Someone may be feeling quite alone in a room full of people but it could be that one person that encourages them with a warm hug or short conversation that will build them up. Everyone needs to feel loved and appreciated and its that sort of reassurance that brightens our day. Of course, some need it more than others just like our levels of insecurity can differentiate so can our levels of reassurance.

All that being said, I think everyone can agree that we've all been there. We've ALL felt fit in at times and not so much at other times but granted we've all been there. The thing is, when we don't feel fit in some where we feel like we're the ONLY ones that have felt that way or are feeling that way at the time. I'm sure there are many of us that feel that way we just don't express it. Does that make sense?? I'm slowly learning to teach myself that if ever I feel that way, I'm sure there are many others in the room that feel the exact same or maybe worse and as the old saying goes - 'this too shall pass.' Just remember, you're not alone.

Which reminds me of a scripture that Acappella put some music to. I mainly express myself through song and they just pop into my head but I guess it's a good way to remember scripture.

Romans 12:
10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

I have the You Tube video attached so you can listen to the words and I hope they encourage you the way they have me. As much as we may not feel fit in all the time I think we need to lean more on God and His Word to encourage us and let us realize that He will be the One that fills the void in our lives. Also, if we are His church we should use our talents to the best of our abilities to build one another up.

I hope you are blessed as I have been.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Mf9giOuPc8&feature=PlayList&p=648034E3029782BC&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=35

Hymns

I think the older I get, the more I appreciate the hymns that I used to sing as a child. I still remembering when I first started learning how to sing alto and it sort of just came naturally. Going to Sunday evening service was one of my favourite past times. The smell of the building and the setting sun shining through the stain glass window which was a deep yellow/orange colour so the auditorium looked very dramatic are memories still fresh in my mind.

I may not be able to relive the memories of the past but I'm glad that I have a fresh new take on some of the old hymns. I take to heart, have a deeper respect and can grasp the depth of the words that were penned many years ago.

Now some of my favourite songs are ones like: Nearer Still Nearer, I Need Thee Every Hour and Just As I Am. I can't get enough of them and can listen to them over and over. They may be older songs and not the 'hip' songs of today but the words mean more to me than ever before. Maybe it has to do with my maturity now that I'm an adult but if anything I think it has to do with the deeper understanding I have for grace in my life. I know I mess up every day and once in a while the song 'I Need Thee Every Hour' will come into my head just as a reminder that I can't do this journey on my own.

I hope more people can be thankful for and value the songs of old even when there may be other 'cooler' songs to sing. There's something about the way they were written and why they were written that leave an everlasting impression on my heart. I know that when I am old and grey with a blanket over my knees those will be the songs I want to hear. I may sound old now by saying all this but as you know, I'm still young at heart. These are just fond memories.

I need Thee, O, I need Thee

Every hour I need Thee

O bless me now my Saviour

I come to Thee

Sending myself to my room

So, I decided to send myself to my room after acting like Oscar the Grouch yesterday. Thankfully there is no one here to vent to cause it would have been a bunch of verbal diarrhea that can be cured with a good nights sleep (or two). After running around the last few weeks I think I had had enough yesterday and have been anticipating a weekend to do n-o-t-h-i-n-g. I'll be surprised if I even get to my laundry and clean my house which was my original intent. I just need to rest.

The one thing that erked (?) me yesterday was when I needed to order cheques from my bank. I specifically took time out of my day and went to the bank to talk with a teller to order them. I didn't order them online (to lazy to figure out how and wanted to see visuals) and you can't order them through the drive-thru. When I got there I stood in line to wait to talk with someone only to find out I didn't have to wait in line and could order them with front reception. The teller escorted me over to front reception and I proceeded with my request. The part that I found inconsiderate is when someone called and they take precidence over the person standing in front of them. So, I had to wait till the receptionist excused herself from our 'live' conversation so she can meet the needs of someone on the phone.

Am I being impatient? Possibly, but that was a portion of my grumpy attitude but I seriously felt like calling her so I could have her attention when I was only 3ft from her. I just think its inconsiderate. Always have.

THEN.....other stuff happened too but there's no point because I just need to chalk it up to me being impatient and needing sleep. And you'd think I'm being a total loser about something and overreacting. But I dont' care...yesterday I was in a crappy mood. It's not like I was rude to her but I definitely wasn't my joking self. I even apologized but still I felt like walking out and going somewhere else where I'd get better service.

Anyway, I'm in my room. Been here since yesterday afternoon and plan to sleep some more and hopefully by church service tomorrow there will be a new spring in my step and twinkle in my eye. But don't count on it. I mainly just need sleep, peace and quiet. Funny I say that where the loudest thing going on in my house is me typing. But the noise is my life is too big right now.

Burn out

Burn out. That's what I'm feeling. I'm definitely running on fumes. I guess I know where my threshold is/was and know that I can't go at the speed I was before the holidays. I've been doing so much, working so much and I haven't had much time to relax. Well, for me to catch up on sleep will take me a week at least. For me to chill and do nothing will take me a good 2 - 4 weeks. I have no one to blame for this but myself.

I remember a few years ago someone asking me if I've always been a 'people pleaser'. I never realized I was till they pointed it out. Not that I learned from it, in fact, I think its just gotten worse. Granted, I like helping people. My problem is that I've extended myself so much I feel I have nothing left. Today I was asked twice to do some things and I flat out had to turn them down. Baby steps.

There was a Hawaiin minister I heard once and he spoke about burn out and how we need to fill our tank as well. If we don't and we continually give then we will be empty. I also remember a few years ago one of my co-workers had to take a leave of absence from work because he was burnt out. His threshold was when he collapsed in his office at work, not even 15ft from my desk. I couldn't see it but I could hear the EMS come in and take him out on a stretcher. I think he was out for a good few months.

I refuse to get to that point. I can't. But I better do something now. So, don't be offended when I can't 'offer my services' any longer. It's the age old phrase: 'It's not you, it's me.' And that's the truth.

Today I need to focus on me.

2009 Status

These are a few Facebook status statements I've made over 2009. This is more so I don't forget.

Enjoy.

Movie Review - Up in the Air

Stars: George Clooney (I forget the other names but really, does it matter)

Comments & Predictions: From what I've heard about this movie, its the movie to see. It's been nominated for five Golden Globes, which appears before the Oscars so I can only predict that we will see more of this movie in the coming year. It wasn't what I was expecting and thought more laughter would be had but it turned out to be more thoughtful and a 'thinker' type of movie. It really hit the spot of what we are experiencing economically and socially during our tough times. With that storyline alone I predict it will win many awards since all of us can relate to what the movie was showing.

One thing I did take note of (and its more based on the character Ryan Bingham), is that I don't want to live life as a parenthesis. You'll have to see the movie to understand what I mean. But I think I carry too much passion and purpose to live like this '( )'.

Stars (out of 5): ****

Partying like it's 1999

I may have partied last night like it was 1999 but this morning I was reminded that I wasn't even born in 1989....nor 79!

I was invited to a singles party last night from a friend of mine. And, of course, the 'yes Becky' of yesteryear was game for it and couldn't pass it up. Why not really? I figured if I am going to meet someone I at least need to be in a 'target-rich environment' (as I heard Dr. Phil once say). Maybe not the best environment but still. It was that or hang out with families with small children who will be up way past their bedtime and I wasn't up for listening to crying (no offence friends). Of course, by the end of the night I realized that it was past my bedtime too and I almost started crying. Kidding. ;-)

When I was at the bar I was quickly reminded again why I don't venture out to settings like that. In fact, I felt like I went back in time to when I used to dance it up on the hardwood floors 15+ yrs ago (yes, that's how old I am). The one thing I noticed that was different was that people use their phones alot more. They take photos on the dance floor (given) but they also text. Is that not tacky?? One guy kept texting all night and I thought it was the weirdest thing. On New Year's nonetheless!

The dress attire was pretty much the same too just more up-to-date. This wasn't a 90's party....80's would've been cool though. Anyhoo, as much as it's great to dress up and such, can I just add that it was 'butt-cold' last night. I mean, I love to dress up and can clean up pretty good but I'm not one for baring parts of me that aren't exposed to the light of day on a cool, brisk morning let alone a night when you can see your breath inside the entryway.

I did enjoy dancing and miss the girls I used to chum with back in the day. Those were good times.

To all the good times to be had in the New Year and no regrets. Cheers!