My mother is my twin

Yes that sounds like I should be on some tv talk show but it's the truth. The more I discover about myself the more I find myself like my mom. Aside from the fact that people comment how much we look alike (yes, she's a good looking lady!!), our personalities and quirks are more similar to the point of scary.

I was able to see my mom today for the first time since last Nov and some of it was hard to take, some of it was reassuring. The home she's in may not be the fanciest but at this point I am more concerned of her well-being and that she's taken care of more than whether there is a nice picture on the wall. The staff is so wonderful! When I first arrived to her room there were 3 staff around her; all men. Now that part we may not have so similar but I asked her why she didn't give me the tips on attracting so many men all at once! These men were as young as 28 and they all said they love my mom so much. They think she's the sweetest and cutest lady. Whew! Talk about playing favourite's or what...but I don't care. That's my mom and you can play favourite's with her all you want. In fact, the 28yr old (student) will come in on his days off to visit with the residents. You get a star in your crown from me buddy. Hats off to you.

The little nuance's or similarities that I noticed we share is as small as always having the need for kleenex to be around. Sounds crazy...but it's true. If you come to my house you will see Kleenex in every room of the house or maybe even two boxes in a room. My nose runs all the time. If I eat some thing hot, cold, room temperature, when I wake up, and especially when I cry. I say all that (not that it's gross) because my mom had to make sure she had a Kleenex box with her too even sitting in a wheelchair. She has one on each nightstand and one on her bed totalling 3 in a distance of less than 10 - 12 ft.

We have the same sense of humour, loud laugh, work ethic, personality, build, smile, faith, etc, etc. The list, I'm sure, could go on (farther than my actual twin; we are more opposite) but the older I get the more I see it. So, to see her fading the way she is literally breaks my heart.

Maybe this entry is more for a journal than for people but I'm writing it here anyway. I don't care, I love my mom and proud of it. She's slowly slipping away and I have no control over it. It saddens me to see how frail she is now and how much care she needs but it also encourages me that her sense of humour can still shine through in little moments that I can still treasure. I mourn the days when I could call her on Sunday's after church which stopped not so long ago but I know those days are no longer. She can't even answer a phone or work a remote control any more. It saddened and humbled me when I had to floss and brush my mom's teeth tonight but her and I love it when we have clean teeth. Ahhhh, heaven in my mouth! (no joke)

I will confess on here though, that I didn't want my mom to see me cry so I held it in. I think I got a headache from pushing back the tears but they soon fell out when I left her tonight. Sorry to be down, I'm sure I'll have some funny stories to share with you some time but for right now I'm just trying to soak all of this in. I feel like a sponge wanting to refuse the rush coming at me; or at least put a filter on how much I receive at once. This is a learning process for me and maybe this will be my therapy. Aren't you lucky!?

Mom update

One of the reasons I decided to take a little mini vacation out to the mountains these past few days is sort of like the calm before the storm. After I leave here tomorrow I plan to make a trip to Ontario to spend some time with my mom. As mentioned in previous posts my mom's health is deteriorating due to Alzheimer's. Over the past week, however, there have been some events that have taken place that have made me cry and also realize that I have to face some realities when going home.

I've said to some and can admit this on here that I do have some hesitations about going home. It seems as time goes on though my visits are becoming more precious time that I can spend with my mom. On April 1st she had another knee replacement surgery which was much needed, however, the down side to it are the affects of the anesthetic and the role it plays with her Alzheimers.

I won't go into too many specifics but since the beginning of the month she has deteriorated to the point where she needs assistance in pretty much every aspect of her daily life. She needs help with even the basics as eating. Because of all of this she has had to move to another care facility that will give her the care she needs. It will most likely be the last home she will be in but I'm sad that she has to leave the home she was in because it was a great place. Gosh, I even enjoyed staying there! Now, however, as much as the home she is in will give her the attention she needs I know it will be a very hard pill to swallow to see my mom where she is. Some of the residents that are there are quite docile and my one sister told me of a woman just sitting in a wheelchair holding a doll. It's those sort of things that I'm not ready to face knowing that my mom is equivalent to this status in life now.

Bottom line to all of this though is, it sucks. It really sucks. The mom I knew isn't the same and our family really needs to start mourning the loss of who she was. The road is still long but it isn't going to be pretty to have to witness this. Yes, yes, I understand that everyone has to face something like this at some point but again, it's not something I feel I'm ready to deal with just yet.

When my sisters were moving my mom into her new home last week one of my mom's friends was there as well for support. The nurses kept asking my mom's friend questions thinking that she was my mom's daughter but then she clarified she was just her friend and they were shocked that my sisters are the daughters. They kept commenting (and it hasn't been the first time) that they were surprised that my sisters were dealing with this stuff at such a young age.

So, to warn those that will be around me upon my return....I don't know what I will be facing when I get back home but I don't know how 'chipper' I will be when I get back to my 'regular life'. I'm sure it will be hard and I appreciate the friendships I have that support me but I thought I'd write on here some challenges I will be facing. I feel more for my sisters who face this on a daily basis. There's something to be said for being in a 'Sandwich' family. I think that's what they call it when you have to not only look after your young ones but your parents as well.

Being Selfish

I think one of the great things about being single is that I can do whatever I want with my time. I'm being selfish and soaking it all in for what it's worth; in a God-honouring way though. This past weekend I decided to get away to take some time to rejuvenate myself and spend some time with God. I'll be honest and say that I've been avoiding spending time with Him in a conversational way but I thought getting away would help from all the distractions.

Tonight I am sitting by a fire, out in His beauty, dim lights and music playing that is contributing to the appreciation I have for the blessings I have in my life. I could take the time to list off names of people that have been influential in my life or the security of a job that awaites me when I return from my visit with my mom but the blessings I am most thankful for is Jesus Christ in my life. I could not imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have the written Word, death, resurrection and hope I have through Him.

I'm so thankful for this time that I can take out of my life to give praise to Him, cry out to Him in appreciation for what He has blessed me with. I still have a desire to share my life with someone but I definitely appreciate and realize that I have something that many may not have the time for. Just like the song by John Waller, While I'm waiting. In the midst of waiting I will give praise and worship...while I'm waiting. I also know that I have the priviledge to run out of town, leave my cares behind, dirty dishes in the sink, laundry in the dryer and bed unmade (it isn't though)at any given time so I can spend some quality time with my Father. He is continually there for me and it is taking this weekend, this time away for me to give my undivided attention back to Him. We get so distracted in life and fill our schedules up with entertainment, mindless chatter and politics yet all He wants from us is our heart.

I'm being selfish today and I'm proud of it. Yes, today has been a good day for singledom and I'm taking full advantage of it. I have the quiet time I need to fill me up with His glory and my cup runneth over.

The excitement this week

Wow, what a week!! Honestly, I really don't think I'm dramatic, don't care to be and definitely don't want drama all the time. However, I'm discovering that there is something that I give off or I'm sending a message to the drama gods that it needs to be in my life. It amazes me at the things that happen more frequently than not.

For example, this week. Now, when I put it in writing it may not sound like its the end of the world...and really it isn't by any stretch but my point in telling these stories is because things just happen and they are beyond my control.

So for my adventures at my latest 'housesitting extravaganza' I had the pleasure of having to say that 'my dog ate my homework'. Well, it's not homework but I received a letter in the mail this week from the Court summoning me to jury duty. I've never been asked that before so that was sort of cool but the copy that I have to keep for myself so I can present it to the court when I need to show up in a couple weeks apparently was an edible delite to the dog I was looking after. Thankfully I hadn't mailed in the other copy of the summons sheet yet and photocopied it but my copy is literally half eaten! How does a dog do that?? And why, pray tell, is this the ONLY thing he ate. Why couldn't it have been a grocery receipt or the notes from the owner to me....nope it had to be the summons paper.

After my house/dog sitting and painting job my plan was to head out to Invermere to my friend's cabin. I thought I'd take a few days to relax, catch up on reading and spending some much needed time with God before I head to Ontario to face some realities with my mom's health. I've been to the cabin a couple times before though so I'm at least familiar with the place. The first time I was there I went with a girlfriend and there was a dead bird in the fireplace. Now that I'm by myself this weekend, what do I find??? A bird in the fireplace. Not a dead one either. How the heck do I find enough guts to get a live bird out of the fireplace?? Sorry, call me chicken but there are some things that I just can't do. Maybe tomorrow but definitely not tonight.

Too bad the dog wasn't here to scare the bird out. I'm done with animals this week. Hopefully the bears haven't woken from their winter slumber yet, I'm just not in the mood.

Sigh...night.

Embarrassing Moments #1

Well, I think I've had a few serious posts lately and, now that I have my computer back, maybe I should write some more funny stories. True stories and yes they have happened to me. I've written a few over the last year with housesitting disaster's and put my thinking cap on for some more good ones. Of course, I can laugh at them now but at the time they weren't so funny.

Florida Trip 1997

After my dad had passed away in 95 my mom remarried in the fall of 96. Her husband had a condo in Florida and said that I could go there with my friends any time I wanted. At that time I hung out with two girlfriends (Jen and Lesley) and we would hang out on weekends and dance them away at clubs. Since we wanted to get away for our March Break we decided to take him up on the generous and very affordable offer. We were all college students with not much money and we couldn't afford a flight down there, considered driving but instead we bussed it. Oh ya, 28hrs on a Greyhound from Windsor, Ont to Cocoa Beach, FL was a very long trip.

Now, when we got to the bus depot in Florida we weren't sure how to get to the condo but since my mom's new husband had known people down there he organized for the minister of the church there to pick us up. On our ride to the condo we mentioned in conversation that we didn't have any wheels but he generously offered us his station wagon for the week since him and his family were going away. Sweet! Maybe not the nicest ride but we had wheels and that was awesome!

Our first trip was to the SuperWalmart to pick up groceries and when we were about to drive away we thought we could just drive forward since no one was in front of us in the parking lot. However, we managed to drive over one of those cement blocks and got stuck so the front of the car was sitting on the cement block. I'm not sure how we got it out but we did...and this is the first time I've mentioned it. :D

Now before I get ahead of myself I need to tell you that a few short weeks before I had suffered from a flu bug in which my doctor had prescribed medication. If you know me, you are aware that I'm not into taking meds. I would prefer alternative methods than drugs and so when I was feeling better I stopped taking them. Little did I know that for the flu to be completely out of my system I needed to finish the bottle given.

The beginning of the week was nice and relaxing but as time went on I wasn't feeling so good and my stomach was quite upset. Then it started to hit me. Not like I was throwing up or anything but I had to run to the bathroom every 5 min. Literally. If ever the three of us were about to go anywhere we had to make sure there was a washroom nearby so going to the beach wasn't much fun. Well, there were facilities there but it stunk (no punn intended) to have to sunbathe near the porta-potties. I also gave Jen and Lesley the task of having to turn on all the blow dryers so no one would here me either. Ugh!

The worst of it though was the ride back home. I did NOT know how I was going to make it and we planned our trip by how many stops the bus would make and what kind of trouble I'd be in. I forget the longest stint we had but still it was a pain in the butt. haha Actually, no the worst wasn't the ride back home. The worst of it was getting home. Jen and her boyfriend Mark were dropping me off and I knew that when I got home I could rest up, clean up and get better.

Side note: Before I continue may I suggest to anyone who is giving someone a ride home. Make sure you see them get in the door before driving off. It's a few extra seconds but those seconds could make a world of difference.

Continuing on.....So, Mark and Jen dropped me off and when I got to my front porch I realized that no one was home so I had to start searching for my house keys. After being away for a week I had no idea where I put them in the first place so there I was tearing apart my suitcase and all my belongings trying to find my keys. I thought that was the sucky part until my stomach started churning and knew that I had only a few minutes before I was in deep...er, trouble. Oh boy! What's the deal? Is there a trigger in our bowels or something that knows when we are home and we can barely make it to the washroom? Or is it just me?

The options I had (and at that time I didn't own a cell phone, probably didn't even know what that was) were to continue looking for my keys, go to my neighbours next door with the Italian man who walks around in his backyard wearing blue speedo but you can't see it cause his stomach hangs over so much OR across the street to Joey's house whom I had a huge crush on OR break one of the basement windows. Of course the other option was to go to my old place of work (7-Eleven) on the corner but I REALLY didn't think I could pigeon dance my way down the street with my knees together trying to hold it all in. Time was running short and my options were few and I needed to decide fast!

However......or, rather, unfortunately, I didn't make it. That's right. A grown woman crapped herself in the midst of kicking in the basement window to crawl to the washroom. As much as the idea of a road trip and a free place to stay down in Florida sounds cool I would've rather stayed home. All-in-all it was a pretty 'crappy' trip.

Embarrassing - yes. Funny - now it is. One more story under my belt. I should really write a book.

15 yr Anniversary

Dear Dad,

Can you believe it's been 15yrs since we last saw each other? Man, in some ways it seems so long ago yet in other ways it seems so fresh in my mind. Maybe the finer details have faded but alot are still there. I actually woke last night at 2am thinking about you and remembering all the events that happened so many years ago. Ever since then I've taken this day off to have some quiet time (especially around 3:20pm ET) and reminisce.

I wish I could tell you all that has happened since then or rather I wish that we could just sit and talk, visit, ask the many questions I've gathered over the last decade or so. Seems I was more distant then and didn't want to admit that you were leaving this world. One thing I'm thankful for is that I know you are at peace. I know that you are in a much healthier place and don't have to suffer or be in pain any more. Knowing you're at peace gives me peace. I look forward to the day when we can hang out again.

I'm wondering if you've seen my friend's little boy Drew up there. He left his earthly family a couple years ago so I ask that you will hang out with him once in a while. If you have seen him I hope you will hold him like I've seen you do with other small children, like angels. Which, of course, that's exactly what he is ....an angel. I think you both have the same sort of sense of humour and don't be jealous that he has more teeth than you because I think you have more hair, so you're even. haha

Wow, 15 yrs. Unbelievable but yet so fresh. I miss ya pops. I'm sure you know mom isn't doing so well either. I plan to see her soon but I know she's been asking about you lately and she hasn't done that in a while. I hate to see her failing in her health but I guess it's par for the Alzheimer's course.

I've been framing some of your records to remember you as well. We don't have record players anymore but I wanted to keep a few of the vinyl's that you had to keep your memory alive. I love you and thanks for being the wonderful example you were/are. I know I've said it before but I know you weren't a strong man physically but I appreciate the upright man you were in your character and faith.

Love you much
Bex

The Teen Famine

Over the last 27.5hrs the teens from church (and myself) have been participating in the 30hr famine. I had done it years ago and don't have too many memories about it but it hasn't been too bad, I guess.

I do feel a little fatigue but I'm not sure if it's due to lack of food or lack of sleep or maybe a combination thereof. Actually, I am starting to get a headache and hopefully drinking water will help.

I know the point of the famine is to help us be more aware of the situation for those who can't afford or have means for food. Thankfully organizations like World Vision are helping out with this need. I think with participating in this it has opened my eyes to the side effects of not eating, aside from hunger that is. And even though we've been able to access to water, juice and, for extreme measures, rice it amazes me all that I've gone through in the last 30hrs.

At the beginning of it, it obviously wasn't so bad and if I had a hunger pain I would just wash it down with a glass of H20. However, overnight I've gotten a sore throat, cramping in my stomach and irritability (but the latter was due to people waking me up more than anything). I guess it just makes me more aware of the conditions that those who are without to have a combination of side effects aside from hunger. And actually, now that I think of it, I know that Peter, our Youth Minister, experiences way more side effects than what I've listed. He mentioned that he has vomited and was close to being sent to the hospital.

Can you imagine what those in 3rd world countries go through everyday? We have the advantage and goal set before us that our struggle will end. When will theirs? What will it take for us to help?

My reminder

If you haven't noticed, I have been in a serious funk lately. Spiritually I've been dried up, felt like I was wandering aimlessly, wasn't sure who to talk with, what to say and had no solutions. I feel I've been at a loss. But maybe that's what I needed to find my way up again. There's no need for specifics but definitely I've been down and out. Going through the motions with an empty heart and confused mind.

However. Today was a good day. I think with a few factors involved today I feel I'm seeing some light. I'm not saying that my issues have been resolved but my neck is turning my head to the direction or perspective that I need it to be.

Today we had a great service at church and there was one song that really hit me where I needed it most. The song is called 'Your Grace Still Amazes Me' and I felt quite moved by the lyrics. Yes, His grace does still amaze me especially when I feel empty, alone, without. There is nothing I can do to be where He is and really all I can do is be at the foot of the cross. I can't tell you how deep that song moved me but I think the tears falling from my face were enough to show that I needed to be where I was today. To be honest, I didn't even want to go to church today. I wanted to skip, play hooky, work, whatever but not be there. Out of habit and just plain knowing that fellowshipping with other believers is my life I went and sat in a pew today.

Because of today our Saviour rose again and because of today I know/we know that Christ cannot be bound by the cross. Because of today I was reminded again that death cannot hold Him down. And He did that for me.

Yes, your grace still amazes me.