Geek at heart

Ah you intrigue me. The older I get the more I'm yearning to soak up knowledge.

Solomon says in -
Proverbs 1:7 - 'The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.'
Proverbs 2: 6 - 8 'For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.'

I find that pretty encouraging given that lately I've been trying to read catch up with all the books on my shelves, ones people have given me and magazines purchased. On my trip home I bought two magazines (and no they weren't celeb mags with the latest gossip only because I know most of it already - haha), one was a travel magazine and the other is called Scientific American Mind.

Lately I've been trying to read about history and monumental events but typically most of the books I read are about bettering yourself and becoming all that God would like us to be. Currently I'm reading The Gospel According to Starbucks by Leonard Sweet. In it he uses the Starbucks franchise as an example of how we are as Christians. For example he says, we can stand in line all day at a Starbucks but if we don't participate (in any form of transaction) we won't actually be satisfied. Now if you take that into context with the God's Church it would be like saying that you need to participate and be involved or you won't fully get out of it what you need and what God has prepared for you. Pretty good stuff, I'd say.

The mag's I read on my trip back home were so fantastic! I love to travel and it was great to know that two of the places mentioned for the top 20 places to visit in Europe were places I've been to already. So many places, so little time and money......

The American Scientific Mind was intriguing as well given that I like to read information about how or why we think the way we do, etc. This month it's main focus had different articles on how men and woman converse with one another and why we communicate the way we do. Still working on those articles but if I find out anything earthshattering I'll post it on here.

I remember someone saying something to the affect of knowledge being like climbing a ladder. The more you climb, the more you see the horizon and see how much more there is to know.

My nightmare last night

Last night I had a terrible dream. I'm not sure what caused my thoughts to go down that road but they did. I say 'caused' because I think our dream state is due to things that are in our subconscious and we don't even realize it. This dream was quite disturbing and I'm not sure if I can describe the intensity to reflect the feelings I had. Sort of like reading a book then watching the movie...it's just not the same.

It was dark outside but still lots of city lights and night time activity and I was at the back of a convenience store scanning the shelves. My back was to the coolers and facing the counter but since the shelves were my eye-height I couldn't see the window front. (Of course, from my experience in working at 7-Eleven I realize now that shelf height is much lower than that.) Anyway, there were others in the store as well, some new each other some didn't. Small conversations were about and just normal, regular activity.

Then a few men came in and they started yelling at us in a foreign language and then repeating themselves in English. They we asking us to divide up into races, North American over here, Mexican over there, etc., etc. At this point the blood in my veins was pumping so much with adrenaline I could hear it pulsing in my head. I was so nervous and thoughts were running through my head a mile a minute with ideas of how to get out of there or trying to impress on my mind the details of their face so I could recognize them or describe them later. From my recollection they seemed to be part of the Taliban or something. Who knows! I had never been in a situation like this. This only happens on tv! They didn't ask for cash or anything of monetary value; their prize was us. They had some weapons but they must've been small and I say that because as they were doing that another group of men came in with visibly larger weaponry and took over this group of men and again started asking us to divide up. (I'm not sure what any of this means and I haven't thought long enough about it to decipher it)

I then found ourselves on a dirty old school bus going to another location and then the scene changed to our final destination. The next scene was all of the customers (to whom some had now turned out to be some of my friends), walking in a barn-like building with dirt floors. The light shone from one bulb hanging loosely above the leader of this criminal group and he was carrying a gun resting on his shoulder. I noticed different wooden crates misplaced here and there; to my left was some rope tied to a warnout picnic table that looked like some sort of torture mechanism.

The leader then ordered us to take a seat on some of the crates and at this point our hands were tied behind our backs. There was no way to escape. We were tied up, the tension, nerves, adrenaline, weaponry, and evil roamed about us. Across from me I could see the makeshift torture 'area' to which would soon be my fate. I didn't notice too much of the feelings inside of me and the fear I must've had but it was more like I was having an out-of-body experience and noticing everything around me and the energy in the air instead. (If that makes any sense) I did experience fear but maybe my body was just in shock.

Then we were asked the question: Who would like to be the first to be beaten at the Cat-o-nine table? He called it. Really? Is this how I am suppose to live out my last day? Is this my final moment? There was hesitation in the room and there was a big guy sitting next to me whom I could sort of hide behind his shadow but I felt like I would be picked first. Was it something in me that felt I should take the first hit and help the others from experiencing the pain? Those are some of the thoughts that went through my head.

I then remember again having the out-of-body experience because I was still sitting on the same crate I first sat on but then I was watching myself being tied up at the picnic table and about to be tortured with the Cat-o-nine tails. (sp) My thoughts then turned to Christ. Is this what he had to endure for us? His back split open from a whip that would tear him apart and the rest of the torture all because he longs to be with us. Through all of beatings, ridicule, humiliation and adrenaline pumping through his veins and his only response was: Forgive them.

Whew!

Adjusting to the new digs

Well, I've been in Ontario (and Michigan) for a week now and things seem to be settling down which is nice. When I first got here it was mayhem partly because my mom had just gotten out of the hospital due to hemorraging and within 24hrs had to be moved to a new care facility. She still is adjusting to everything and doesn't talk as much anymore which is very unlike her. Told you, her and I are very alike. ;-)

I'm glad I've been here so I can visit with her even if she sleeps most of the time. I brought a song book with me and have been singing to her once in a while which has been relaxing. Of course, yesterday I asked her if she wanted me to sing or if she wanted to just rest and I would watch tv; she chose me watching tv. I won't take offence to the fact that she didn't want me to sing...we just had a good little chuckle. I think I wore her out a couple days ago with having her walk the hallways a few times so she was pretty tuckered out yesterday. Poor girl.

Aside from all of that, the weather has been fantastic here. The sun is shining, capris and short sleeves are in order and I now dread having to head back to Coldtown...er, Cowtown and face the snowy weather there. ugh! Trust me, I'm there for my friends and church family. That's it!

My mother is my twin

Yes that sounds like I should be on some tv talk show but it's the truth. The more I discover about myself the more I find myself like my mom. Aside from the fact that people comment how much we look alike (yes, she's a good looking lady!!), our personalities and quirks are more similar to the point of scary.

I was able to see my mom today for the first time since last Nov and some of it was hard to take, some of it was reassuring. The home she's in may not be the fanciest but at this point I am more concerned of her well-being and that she's taken care of more than whether there is a nice picture on the wall. The staff is so wonderful! When I first arrived to her room there were 3 staff around her; all men. Now that part we may not have so similar but I asked her why she didn't give me the tips on attracting so many men all at once! These men were as young as 28 and they all said they love my mom so much. They think she's the sweetest and cutest lady. Whew! Talk about playing favourite's or what...but I don't care. That's my mom and you can play favourite's with her all you want. In fact, the 28yr old (student) will come in on his days off to visit with the residents. You get a star in your crown from me buddy. Hats off to you.

The little nuance's or similarities that I noticed we share is as small as always having the need for kleenex to be around. Sounds crazy...but it's true. If you come to my house you will see Kleenex in every room of the house or maybe even two boxes in a room. My nose runs all the time. If I eat some thing hot, cold, room temperature, when I wake up, and especially when I cry. I say all that (not that it's gross) because my mom had to make sure she had a Kleenex box with her too even sitting in a wheelchair. She has one on each nightstand and one on her bed totalling 3 in a distance of less than 10 - 12 ft.

We have the same sense of humour, loud laugh, work ethic, personality, build, smile, faith, etc, etc. The list, I'm sure, could go on (farther than my actual twin; we are more opposite) but the older I get the more I see it. So, to see her fading the way she is literally breaks my heart.

Maybe this entry is more for a journal than for people but I'm writing it here anyway. I don't care, I love my mom and proud of it. She's slowly slipping away and I have no control over it. It saddens me to see how frail she is now and how much care she needs but it also encourages me that her sense of humour can still shine through in little moments that I can still treasure. I mourn the days when I could call her on Sunday's after church which stopped not so long ago but I know those days are no longer. She can't even answer a phone or work a remote control any more. It saddened and humbled me when I had to floss and brush my mom's teeth tonight but her and I love it when we have clean teeth. Ahhhh, heaven in my mouth! (no joke)

I will confess on here though, that I didn't want my mom to see me cry so I held it in. I think I got a headache from pushing back the tears but they soon fell out when I left her tonight. Sorry to be down, I'm sure I'll have some funny stories to share with you some time but for right now I'm just trying to soak all of this in. I feel like a sponge wanting to refuse the rush coming at me; or at least put a filter on how much I receive at once. This is a learning process for me and maybe this will be my therapy. Aren't you lucky!?

Mom update

One of the reasons I decided to take a little mini vacation out to the mountains these past few days is sort of like the calm before the storm. After I leave here tomorrow I plan to make a trip to Ontario to spend some time with my mom. As mentioned in previous posts my mom's health is deteriorating due to Alzheimer's. Over the past week, however, there have been some events that have taken place that have made me cry and also realize that I have to face some realities when going home.

I've said to some and can admit this on here that I do have some hesitations about going home. It seems as time goes on though my visits are becoming more precious time that I can spend with my mom. On April 1st she had another knee replacement surgery which was much needed, however, the down side to it are the affects of the anesthetic and the role it plays with her Alzheimers.

I won't go into too many specifics but since the beginning of the month she has deteriorated to the point where she needs assistance in pretty much every aspect of her daily life. She needs help with even the basics as eating. Because of all of this she has had to move to another care facility that will give her the care she needs. It will most likely be the last home she will be in but I'm sad that she has to leave the home she was in because it was a great place. Gosh, I even enjoyed staying there! Now, however, as much as the home she is in will give her the attention she needs I know it will be a very hard pill to swallow to see my mom where she is. Some of the residents that are there are quite docile and my one sister told me of a woman just sitting in a wheelchair holding a doll. It's those sort of things that I'm not ready to face knowing that my mom is equivalent to this status in life now.

Bottom line to all of this though is, it sucks. It really sucks. The mom I knew isn't the same and our family really needs to start mourning the loss of who she was. The road is still long but it isn't going to be pretty to have to witness this. Yes, yes, I understand that everyone has to face something like this at some point but again, it's not something I feel I'm ready to deal with just yet.

When my sisters were moving my mom into her new home last week one of my mom's friends was there as well for support. The nurses kept asking my mom's friend questions thinking that she was my mom's daughter but then she clarified she was just her friend and they were shocked that my sisters are the daughters. They kept commenting (and it hasn't been the first time) that they were surprised that my sisters were dealing with this stuff at such a young age.

So, to warn those that will be around me upon my return....I don't know what I will be facing when I get back home but I don't know how 'chipper' I will be when I get back to my 'regular life'. I'm sure it will be hard and I appreciate the friendships I have that support me but I thought I'd write on here some challenges I will be facing. I feel more for my sisters who face this on a daily basis. There's something to be said for being in a 'Sandwich' family. I think that's what they call it when you have to not only look after your young ones but your parents as well.

Being Selfish

I think one of the great things about being single is that I can do whatever I want with my time. I'm being selfish and soaking it all in for what it's worth; in a God-honouring way though. This past weekend I decided to get away to take some time to rejuvenate myself and spend some time with God. I'll be honest and say that I've been avoiding spending time with Him in a conversational way but I thought getting away would help from all the distractions.

Tonight I am sitting by a fire, out in His beauty, dim lights and music playing that is contributing to the appreciation I have for the blessings I have in my life. I could take the time to list off names of people that have been influential in my life or the security of a job that awaites me when I return from my visit with my mom but the blessings I am most thankful for is Jesus Christ in my life. I could not imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have the written Word, death, resurrection and hope I have through Him.

I'm so thankful for this time that I can take out of my life to give praise to Him, cry out to Him in appreciation for what He has blessed me with. I still have a desire to share my life with someone but I definitely appreciate and realize that I have something that many may not have the time for. Just like the song by John Waller, While I'm waiting. In the midst of waiting I will give praise and worship...while I'm waiting. I also know that I have the priviledge to run out of town, leave my cares behind, dirty dishes in the sink, laundry in the dryer and bed unmade (it isn't though)at any given time so I can spend some quality time with my Father. He is continually there for me and it is taking this weekend, this time away for me to give my undivided attention back to Him. We get so distracted in life and fill our schedules up with entertainment, mindless chatter and politics yet all He wants from us is our heart.

I'm being selfish today and I'm proud of it. Yes, today has been a good day for singledom and I'm taking full advantage of it. I have the quiet time I need to fill me up with His glory and my cup runneth over.

The excitement this week

Wow, what a week!! Honestly, I really don't think I'm dramatic, don't care to be and definitely don't want drama all the time. However, I'm discovering that there is something that I give off or I'm sending a message to the drama gods that it needs to be in my life. It amazes me at the things that happen more frequently than not.

For example, this week. Now, when I put it in writing it may not sound like its the end of the world...and really it isn't by any stretch but my point in telling these stories is because things just happen and they are beyond my control.

So for my adventures at my latest 'housesitting extravaganza' I had the pleasure of having to say that 'my dog ate my homework'. Well, it's not homework but I received a letter in the mail this week from the Court summoning me to jury duty. I've never been asked that before so that was sort of cool but the copy that I have to keep for myself so I can present it to the court when I need to show up in a couple weeks apparently was an edible delite to the dog I was looking after. Thankfully I hadn't mailed in the other copy of the summons sheet yet and photocopied it but my copy is literally half eaten! How does a dog do that?? And why, pray tell, is this the ONLY thing he ate. Why couldn't it have been a grocery receipt or the notes from the owner to me....nope it had to be the summons paper.

After my house/dog sitting and painting job my plan was to head out to Invermere to my friend's cabin. I thought I'd take a few days to relax, catch up on reading and spending some much needed time with God before I head to Ontario to face some realities with my mom's health. I've been to the cabin a couple times before though so I'm at least familiar with the place. The first time I was there I went with a girlfriend and there was a dead bird in the fireplace. Now that I'm by myself this weekend, what do I find??? A bird in the fireplace. Not a dead one either. How the heck do I find enough guts to get a live bird out of the fireplace?? Sorry, call me chicken but there are some things that I just can't do. Maybe tomorrow but definitely not tonight.

Too bad the dog wasn't here to scare the bird out. I'm done with animals this week. Hopefully the bears haven't woken from their winter slumber yet, I'm just not in the mood.

Sigh...night.