Can you hear God?

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Did you hear God? Some times we can't hear Him from all the noise.

My Other Mother

Today I received the news that Jean Hamilton passed away early this morning. She had been having some health issues for quite some time but it was this past week that the ambulance was called a few times for her breathing, or lack thereof.

Most people don't know this but she was like a second mother to me. When our family moved from Hamilton to Windsor, Sharon and I were just days old. We moved to Windsor because my dad was going to be the new minister there. Since there were 3 of us (my older sister, my twin and I) under the age of 13months along with my older brother (10yrs), my mother needed help with all of us, moving and getting situated in our new environment. Some families from the congregation wanted to help out and offered to take me and my other sister's in for nights at a time. I was told that when my dad would walk up to the front of the building to begin speaking he would be holding one or two of us and pass us off to families like the Hamilton's so my mom could manage.

I don't have too many memories of those days especially because I was so young but I've been told stories. I do remember sitting at a little kid table and doodling in the kitchen of the Hamilton home while she would be making dinner for her family. I also remember sitting with them on many Sunday's in between Jean and Sheila (their youngest daughter). Sheila always (and still does) had such a wonderful singing voice and I loved sitting next to her just to listen. Jean is also the one who shared with me her secret recipe for chocolate chip cookies which she was famous for.

One story she did tell me about that she loved to share was when I was probably 2 or just learning how to walk anyway. She said that I would be standing on her linoleum floor and wanted to step into the living room which was carpeted. There was no step, just a transition piece from one flooring type to the next. But for me, the one just learning to take a few steps would raise my leg up sooooo high thinking that there was a canyon between the two. The family would be hanging around just watching me and laughing because I made it into something so huge.

But my ultimate, my most favorite memories of her is the smell of the Hamilton home. It was sort of like a mixture between baking and just a clean home. I think the secret ingredient though was love. I will forever have that imprinted in my memory.

Jean, you are such a special part of my life and I'm glad you are able to finally rest and be with the Lord. You have been such a faithful, steadfast woman my entire life. You may have been a frail woman physically but were strong in your faith and beliefs. You raised your children under a loving, Christian roof that is reflected in how they now live their lives. I am honored to have not only known you but shared memories with you and I appreciate you taking me into your home as if I were one of your own. I've been blessed to have known you and I look forward to seeing you again.

Say hi to my dad for me!
Love
Becky xo

Honesty is the best policy

I feel I need to be honest. Brutally honest? Well, hmmm....I'd like to but I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place.

Lately I've been thinking alot about 'stuff' that is going on , has gone on and what is to become. I've been putting alot of worry on my plate when most of it I have no control over. I have no control over what has happened in the past, no control over what is happening currently and no control over future events. I think a part of me is mulling over so many issues that I'm mentally cranky. Does that make sense? I just thought of that phrase as I was typing it. Mentally cranky...that's what I've been lately. I've had negative thoughts or just plain frustration with things that are happening.

I'm the kind of person who is a 'what you see is what you get' type personality, so if you see me smiling I really feel what I'm expressing on my face. I'm not good at being fake and don't intend too hide myself. I'm pretty straightforward when it comes to my emotions.

Well, I could make this post vague but then I might get people asking me what I'm referring to with what I'm talking about. I'm not here to write 'in code' and for people to guess. Forget that. Trust me, if there is something I feel I shouldn't write, I won't write it. I'm not here to offend, I think I use this place as an outlet and for others to read it without me having to have a sitdown with each of you. Blah, blah, blah.

Yesterday I bought a book at Chapter's called 'Quitting Church' by Julia Duin who is a religion editor for the Washington Times. She explains in different chapters why people are leaving the church for feeling disconnected due to one reason or another. I found this book intriguing because I've been finding that as well. It seems people have been leaving the church or church shopping for various reasons. And I'm not just talking about members from the local congregation. I know this is happening in other cities where I've visited in the past year or two.

Anyway, I say all that because it sort of ties in with my mental crankiness. I'm frustrated with the disatisfaction that we have with our worship time together. Don't get me wrong, I have my beefs and disatisfactions too but it just seems to be never ending. Maybe I'm just hearing people complain and it's building up but it gets quite daunting over time. If someone isn't complaining about the singing that Sunday then they will be commenting on the sermon, the technical difficulties that day, the eldership or other. I guess I'm just getting tired of it. Why can't we just go to church and do what we should be doing. Why do we (me included!) have to be so critical or judgemental. SIGH! And trust me, if I were going to a church that met my needs I definitely wouldn't be where I am today. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I attend where I do because they are my family. They have supported me and they are all I have. Or the best debate that still is the thorn in our CofC side is that of women participating up front and instruments. I say that because I know that the teens plan to have a worship service next Sunday night and I'm sure it will ruffle a few feathers again. Seriously! Do we still need to debate over this issue? Again?!

If this is me being honest then I have to say that I honestly think that God must shake his head at us. Why in the world do we focus so much on that part of our worship style when we are competely missing the point of worship service? Someone pointed out recently that there are less than 2 paragraphs in the whole New Testament that have to do with instructions or discussion of orderly worship practices. And yet, we still manage to argue, debate, pray, discuss, hurt others feelings because of how WE feel we should be worshiping. Who do we think we are??? Why in the world do we have a Mission Statement for reaching out to others when we want to ring eachother's necks?

Well, I could write a few blogs on that topic alone but maybe another day. I have other frustrations too. I've debated time and again on whether I should express my thoughts about singledom or not. For me to not write about it eventually would be like not pointing out the elephant in the room (from my perspective anyway). I'm not asking for pity or a look from someone like I'm not 'complete' because I don't have a significant other. But some times I have to admit that it just gets tiring. Yes, I'm sure I could sit down with at least half my married friends and have a good chin-wag on which side of the fence is greener but that's not my point.

Can I make one statement though? What I find as the catch-22 of my predicament is is that I'm suppose to be a happy-go-lucky person (cause, really, who wants to hook up with a grumpypants) yet this waiting period is trying some times. I think, overall, I'm generally a happy person who likes to joke around but there are times when I would just like to exhale. I'm sure I could write a book on all the pieces of advice people have freely offered.

Anyway, I won't exasperate all my thoughts on this on here but it's not just some superficial feeling. I don't think it is much to ask yet my prayers seem to only hit the ceiling. And I know I can't be jealous of what others have been given. You can't blame me for wondering what the 'H' is wrong with me though. It's the constant striving to have a positive attitude that is probably most draining.

Lately, I've just been confused. Can you tell?? There are so many things running through my head and I'm just at a loss as to ...ya, at a loss. Mental Crankiness is what it boils down too but man oh man do I have a long way to go. I guess I better get it off my chest now than have some passive-aggressive rant on someone's face.

A part of me feels I should apologize for my negative attitude but really, I'm just being honest. Some times church can be exhausting. And being single too. Sigh. Another good night sleep awaits me.

Stupid Celebrity Quotes

This is good for a chuckle:

Sarah Jessica Parker - On Twitter: "Is there a point? I really mean this because I've never been on Twitter and I don't understand it - I'm not saying that in a negative way, I really don't understand it. Is there any point at which you say goodnight? Do you actually say, 'I'm going to bed now?'"

Christina Aguilera - "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?"

Britney Spears - "The cool thing about being famous is travelling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff."

Paris Hilton - "Wal-mart... Do they, like, make walls there?"

Mariah Carey - "My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me? I'm tan, I guess."

Victoria Beckham - "I don't know much about football. I know what a goal is, which is surely the main thing about football." (In her defence, she might be referring to soccer since that is what they call it)

David Beckham - "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."

Brooke Shields - "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." (Oh Brooke, I think you took too many pills after your pregnancy)

Jonathon Ross - On Heather Mills: "I wouldn't be surprised if we found out she's actually got two legs."

Jessica Simpson - "Is this chicken that I have or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says chicken by the sea..."

Russell Brand - "Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger'. What a sexy little paradox.

Madonna - "I won't be happy till I'm as famous as God."

Kate Moss - "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."

Arnold Schwarzenegger - "I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."

Hotmail spam

Lately my email/hotmail account has been sending out Viagra/spam emails to my friends. I'm not sure what has happened for all of this to occur but my friends responses are kind of funny. Did they actually think 'I' would send out an email like that??? Seriously folks, an no offence, but I really don't care about your personal life to that extent. You're great people and all but helping you in the bedroom would be crossing the line. Especially when it comes to family!!!

So, my apologies for the emails and I've changed my password so hopefully it has been rectified. *wink* If you do need a little help in 'that area' then maybe I have been of some help. Just please don't tell me about it.

Faith

I've been thinking about faith lately. In my opinion, I feel that it is constantly 'moving' either having more of it or falling behind. Although I don't think it is non-existant at this point in my life, I do however, feel somewhat complacent with it. Nothing too exciting is happening at the moment (which, to some, would be a good thing) but I guess I feel like I need to work at my faith right now. It's there. I have it yet it's just sort of there. I'm going through the motions I guess.

(It's sort of hard to write down all that I'm thinking because questions keep popping up or analogies and it's hard to have some sort of structure to all my thoughts.)

So, if my faith is sort of 'just there' is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Does there have to be some drama or a situation going on in my life to make it grow?

I guess no matter what the circumstances are in my life I have to continue to work at my faith. I've used an analogy of canoeing to that of relationships and in some ways I think it is similar to faith as well. This is my view on relationships. They are like canoeing. Two people are in the canoe (your relationship with whomever) and it doesn't matter who is in the front or the back because both need to be working together to make the boat move. If one person is doing all the work you might just end up in circles. And when the waters are smooth it doesn't mean you stop paddling. That's the time when you can work together and find out a pattern of what works for you and what doesn't. It's when the waters are rough that it will test your skills of how well you work together.

I guess the analogy can be the same with faith. Just because I may be complacent doesn't mean I need to stop studying or praying (prayer - that's a whole other discussion and struggle I have). This is the time that I can focus on it and not be distracted with the things that are happening (or not) in my life.

Another question or thought.

Why does our faith grow weak when things aren't happening the way we would like it to?
Why does our faith grow stronger when our prayer is finally answered?

It may seem silly to ask such a questions, however, in Hebrews 11 the writer lists the members of the 'Hall of Faith'. They are people in the Bible that lived by faith yet in vs 13 it states that they did not receive the things promised to them. They were only able to see them and welcome them from a distance.

To me, THAT is faith. Faith is having the perserverance and living it out in action even when we may not see the fruits of our labour right at this moment. A part of me wishes I could read between the lines and get into their minds and know that they struggled just as much, if not more than we do. Sure Abraham and Sarah struggled to have a child and it was described in Genesis over the course of six chapters. But, from the time God promised Abraham a child to when Isaac was born was 25 yrs! That's a lifetime to some and we can see the struggle that Sarah had convincing herself that the promise might have been meant for her servant and not her. Yet in those long 25 yrs their faith stood out above all the struggle and it is mentioned in just a few lines in Hebrews 11.

Faith isn't just a feeling but it is an action just the way love is. Trust me, I may see that these people had faith but I don't feel I am living it out in action some times. I have my doubt's about things and feel my faith isn't strong enough or my prayers are sincere enough. But I say that mainly because I feel my requests haven't been answered to the way I would like them to be. Or, I don't know what God is expecting of me. I feel my faith is small because I feel I am at a loss as to what He wants me to fulfill.

Am I fulfilling His will? How do I know? How can I listen to Him to know what He is requiring of me? Maybe I am growing because I'm at least taking the time to contemplate such questions, longing for some answers and desiring to do His will.

Thinking about you

Yes, I've been thinking about you (used in plural). Although I may be busy I do have time to at least think about you and what you are going through. I know I can only do so much in a day and some times I'm amazed at what I have done. But still, I wish I had time to extend myself to you and spend the quality time to be there for you. Unfortunately there are only 24hrs in a day and 2/3 of it is for sleeping and working.

I want to be there to hold your hand when you are going through a difficult time. You may have a physical ailment holding you down and you may have a personal issue that is taking over your day-to-day. Either way, there are those that I think about on a daily basis yet I may not say it.

Seems many are going through struggles. An illness, a divorce, a break-up, a fight, being single (not just me), being spiritually down and don't know where to turn. To the person that just found out today that you will need to have a double mastectomy by Friday, my heart goes out to you. To the one who has to endure another treatment; to the one who isn't getting along with their spouse; to the one who wants a spouse. No matter what the situation I hope you know there is at least one person thinking of you. I may not say it through a letter or a card or words but you are thought of and loved.

Stay strong and hopefully you will soon find peace and come out of the storm.