Honesty is the best policy

I feel I need to be honest. Brutally honest? Well, hmmm....I'd like to but I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place.

Lately I've been thinking alot about 'stuff' that is going on , has gone on and what is to become. I've been putting alot of worry on my plate when most of it I have no control over. I have no control over what has happened in the past, no control over what is happening currently and no control over future events. I think a part of me is mulling over so many issues that I'm mentally cranky. Does that make sense? I just thought of that phrase as I was typing it. Mentally cranky...that's what I've been lately. I've had negative thoughts or just plain frustration with things that are happening.

I'm the kind of person who is a 'what you see is what you get' type personality, so if you see me smiling I really feel what I'm expressing on my face. I'm not good at being fake and don't intend too hide myself. I'm pretty straightforward when it comes to my emotions.

Well, I could make this post vague but then I might get people asking me what I'm referring to with what I'm talking about. I'm not here to write 'in code' and for people to guess. Forget that. Trust me, if there is something I feel I shouldn't write, I won't write it. I'm not here to offend, I think I use this place as an outlet and for others to read it without me having to have a sitdown with each of you. Blah, blah, blah.

Yesterday I bought a book at Chapter's called 'Quitting Church' by Julia Duin who is a religion editor for the Washington Times. She explains in different chapters why people are leaving the church for feeling disconnected due to one reason or another. I found this book intriguing because I've been finding that as well. It seems people have been leaving the church or church shopping for various reasons. And I'm not just talking about members from the local congregation. I know this is happening in other cities where I've visited in the past year or two.

Anyway, I say all that because it sort of ties in with my mental crankiness. I'm frustrated with the disatisfaction that we have with our worship time together. Don't get me wrong, I have my beefs and disatisfactions too but it just seems to be never ending. Maybe I'm just hearing people complain and it's building up but it gets quite daunting over time. If someone isn't complaining about the singing that Sunday then they will be commenting on the sermon, the technical difficulties that day, the eldership or other. I guess I'm just getting tired of it. Why can't we just go to church and do what we should be doing. Why do we (me included!) have to be so critical or judgemental. SIGH! And trust me, if I were going to a church that met my needs I definitely wouldn't be where I am today. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I attend where I do because they are my family. They have supported me and they are all I have. Or the best debate that still is the thorn in our CofC side is that of women participating up front and instruments. I say that because I know that the teens plan to have a worship service next Sunday night and I'm sure it will ruffle a few feathers again. Seriously! Do we still need to debate over this issue? Again?!

If this is me being honest then I have to say that I honestly think that God must shake his head at us. Why in the world do we focus so much on that part of our worship style when we are competely missing the point of worship service? Someone pointed out recently that there are less than 2 paragraphs in the whole New Testament that have to do with instructions or discussion of orderly worship practices. And yet, we still manage to argue, debate, pray, discuss, hurt others feelings because of how WE feel we should be worshiping. Who do we think we are??? Why in the world do we have a Mission Statement for reaching out to others when we want to ring eachother's necks?

Well, I could write a few blogs on that topic alone but maybe another day. I have other frustrations too. I've debated time and again on whether I should express my thoughts about singledom or not. For me to not write about it eventually would be like not pointing out the elephant in the room (from my perspective anyway). I'm not asking for pity or a look from someone like I'm not 'complete' because I don't have a significant other. But some times I have to admit that it just gets tiring. Yes, I'm sure I could sit down with at least half my married friends and have a good chin-wag on which side of the fence is greener but that's not my point.

Can I make one statement though? What I find as the catch-22 of my predicament is is that I'm suppose to be a happy-go-lucky person (cause, really, who wants to hook up with a grumpypants) yet this waiting period is trying some times. I think, overall, I'm generally a happy person who likes to joke around but there are times when I would just like to exhale. I'm sure I could write a book on all the pieces of advice people have freely offered.

Anyway, I won't exasperate all my thoughts on this on here but it's not just some superficial feeling. I don't think it is much to ask yet my prayers seem to only hit the ceiling. And I know I can't be jealous of what others have been given. You can't blame me for wondering what the 'H' is wrong with me though. It's the constant striving to have a positive attitude that is probably most draining.

Lately, I've just been confused. Can you tell?? There are so many things running through my head and I'm just at a loss as to ...ya, at a loss. Mental Crankiness is what it boils down too but man oh man do I have a long way to go. I guess I better get it off my chest now than have some passive-aggressive rant on someone's face.

A part of me feels I should apologize for my negative attitude but really, I'm just being honest. Some times church can be exhausting. And being single too. Sigh. Another good night sleep awaits me.