It's Not You, It's Me. Or rather. It's Not Me, It's You.

Ironically, or possibly, coincidentally my last posting stated that I want God to use me. That this was my desire to the core of my being. If He needs to use me than I need to be willing to be pliable to His will and calling. I guess this past week I've been truly tested on such a statement. As some (or most) of you know, another one of my desires is to have a special relationship with a man. I'm sure its obvious to most and by all rights, its fair that I have that desire since I am 35 and have never been married. Nothing wrong with that and nothing to be ashamed of what God has placed on my heart.

A few weeks ago, I also had the pleasure of telling my friends that I started dating a great Christian man. Someone that loves the Lord and wants to serve Him daily. Great! That's the strongest characteristic that I am attracted to and finally (exhaling) I've met someone. My strategy was treading lightly for fear of it vanishing quicker than it started and for not ending up with a wounded heart as I have in the past. Unfortanely (or maybe fortunately, depending how you look at it) a part of my caution came true. It has ended quicker than it started but thankfully my heart is healing faster than in the past. (If I can write this then I'd say I'm at the end of my 'road to recovery')

I will be honest and say that even less than a week ago I was wondering why God allowed such a man to come into my life just to be taken away again but I find myself more at peace with it daily. As much as I would like to be in a relationship I think there were lessons that needed to be learned for both of us even if it didn't turn out the way I had hoped.

In short, I received the 'It's not you, it's me' speech. It took a 'short relationship' for him to figure this out and as much as the bitter side of me could retort, 'ya, sure, at my expense' I know that I have learned a great deal myself. I wish I could've been a part of someone's happiness but that isn't right now. Not for him anyway. The only way for me to turn this into something positive is to look to God and sift the good out of it and not focus on the negative. I have to. It's the only way I want to live and by golly I choose not to be a bitter spinster!! lol

If his lesson was to realize that he's not emotionally capable of having a relationship right now and needs to focus on God and his family, how can I argue that? Kudos to him for not making me his priority and putting God on the back burner. Granted, there was a sting or two but knowing that he is desiring God first then I can't complain and wish him my deepest blessings. I hope for peace in his life and that God will use him to the potential that God has created in him.

I would say that my lesson was to know that I can stand up for myself and stand up to the plate when truly tested. I so desire to do God's will stronger than my desire is to be with someone. I've learned that I can keep God first and respect all three parties, have a God-honoring relationship and set boundaries where they need to lie. I purposely wanted a hedge around my heart and not let go until the right time as much as I would love to open it to a God-centered relationship. And even though my friends have told me time and again I am slowly realizing that - gosh darn it...I am a good catch! Anyone would be lucky to have me! I can be funny when need to be, serious, goofy, caring, giving and serving. I'm not saying this to toot my horn for all to see but more to show that I am gaining the confidence in myself and not let my insecurities get the best of me. I have alot to offer and one day some one special (and smart) will realize that. In God's time.

I've been saying that I've been praying for patience for 15+ years now. So, as much as I started this blog with the title to refer to my past relationship I now realize that it is all coming back to God. It isn't about me but IS all about Him.