Silence in the Chaos

As most of you know, I lost my job a month ago. That's right, I'm unemployed and looking for work along with the other 15,000 people laid off last month in Alberta alone (a total of 48K since Oct) according to Statistics Canada. Since my time off, I decided to take a couple weeks and spend it with my family back in Ontario and see some old friends from way back. It was a great visit and even made some cash by painting my sisters place. All in all I really did accomplish alot while I was there. I read two books, had a job interview, visited 8 different cities (2 countries) and painted my sister's kitchen, bathroom (twice - primer), hallway and living room. I did a lot! Oh yes, I even babysat one night, changed some diapers and kicked the dog a couple times. Surprise, surprise.

Now that I'm back and without children the chaos still runs in my head even though I sit in my living room with only the sound of these keys typing and the kitchen clock ticking. I actually started experiencing some anxiety the day I was leaving to come back here. I can only presume that it is because I have to face the reality that I am without a job, don't know what to do, where to live, what city to live in, apt to move to, what I can offer someone, what I would like to do, what I'm good at, etc, etc. I could honestly go on but to actually write down all that is running through my head might scare you and overwhelm me.

As much as I'd like to say I'm pretty calm about all of this I guess my gut is telling me otherwise. For the past 3 days now I have indigestion that won't go away and as much as I feel like eating breads or something to soak up the acid forming in my stomach that might help I know it will be of no use. The weight on my chest doesn't help or pressure on my head either. Geesh....sounds like someone could use a drink or get laid but I know either one ain't happening any time soon!! haha (I can hear you gasping right now - hee hee)

Surprisingly I haven't really cried over the whole situation other than the day it happened but even then it wasn't too bad. I think, however, that it must've been building up cuz my eyes are feeling full but it won't come out and I feel I can take control of the situation. The 'factual or realistic' side of me can easily say that I'll be okay financially for a few months and I know I'll need to get out of my apt as much as I dread the thought of moving my sorry ass TV again. That thing is just too big for me! I also need to purge cuz I haven't even unpacked some things from my last move. You know you don't need something when.....

As much as I would like to be on top of my game on this small concern I have I know that I need to face the elephant in the room and know that this little holiday won't last forever. You see, in one breath its a small concern in the next its an elephant in the room. I feel torn with what I see and can differentiate between fact or fiction. Is it a huge problem? Maybe. Will I find work? Eventually. Will I be taken care of? I have no doubt.

The questions don't rest at what I've mentioned above but they seem to spin into other questions of how I want to be living my life? Do I need all these things? What is my standard of living? And on and on. Dramatic a little. Maybe but that's why I'm trying to 'be in control'. But then....., maybe God is trying to teach me that I need to 'let go'. Silence in the chaos.

It's so funny and ironic because a year ago MANY people weren't questioning anything of the sort given the lifestyle and money that was being made. Busy lifestyles and spending was all consuming. I know I'm definitely not alone on this issue and many have had to give up their houses, move in with family members, walk away from everything. And trust me. Trust me. I know that in all of this I am still blessed to have the freedom that is given to me and the boundless options out there for me. But some things are just a little scary to do on my own and the more options available seem a little overwhelming.

Warning: If you happen to, all of sudden, see me bust out crying than you'll have an idea as to why.

I gotta go make some muffins and get my mind off this for a bit.