Taking the high road

I'm confused. Utterly confused. I feel I have to get this off my chest and this is the best place that I feel I can express my emotions at the top of my lungs without actually yelling a word. I'm not even sure how or where to begin to discuss this matter but maybe I should just get to the chase about it and try not to run off on a tangent.

The fact is - I'm single. That's right. Plain and simple. Over the last month or so I've had some revelations about some things but also some events have come up that have led me to my utter confusion.

My revelation has been that I have chosen to be single and quite frankly I'm glad that I'm in the state that I am. To many, they will say that I am looking too hard and some may even say I'm (gasp) desperate. Quite the contrary now that I think of it. The reason I say I've chosen to be single is because I've chosen to not get married or settle with some one that doesn't fit the criteria that I feel in my heart of hearts to be the one God has chosen me to be with. Whew~ long sentence! Like I've stated in a previous post I said that I could've been married a few times over but that person did not stand up to the qualities and character that I'm looking for. Before I get ahead of myself I do want to say that I'm not looking for perfection. I can't. We all have our skeletons to which I have mine as well and to that I am so thankful for God and His grace in my life. What I am looking for is someone that can take their past, regardless of the faults and know that they are forgiven and is striving daily to live to the standard that God has created. I can't change my past and refuse to be a victim of it and I would only expect the same of some one I choose to be with.

The events that have happened recently come in two separate occasions but tie in together and it amazes me that both have occurred so closely together. Both situations contribute to my confusion and if someone can please tell me why it is happening or if I'm contributing to this some how to let me know. In a loving way, of course. ;-)

So lets cut to the chase. Because I'm single and 35 AND never been married the pickins' now-a-days are getting slimmer and slimmer. The few available/eligible men that are close to my age seem to not even give me the time of day. They seem so far removed from making any slight indication that they would even like to go for coffee. Just as friends even. I think I'm a pretty friendly, happy person and to just get to know someone is no harm done but it seems (to me) that even if we go out it's like I'm saying 'I do.' I would just like the opportunity to hang out with a guy some time instead of doing the same old, same old 'girls nights out'. To my married friends its a treat (girls nights out). To me, it's old hat. Coffee or a night out would just be a breath of fresh air. To my knowledge, I don't think I give off any indication that I'm desperate and honestly, I'm so busy with my business or involvement in church that I feel I've put guys on the back burner. Seriously! If I were asked out I'd look at it as a compliment and opportunity but by no means am I rushing to the altar.

The flip side of this is that the men that I am getting attention from are that of married men. Yes. Within the last month if I wanted to go out or 'get attention' from a male it would be like pulling teeth from a single man but was fingertips away from a married man. What's the deal?

I will be honest and say that yes, the compliments make me feel good. Who wouldn't want something nice said about them?? However, I would prefer it to be in the proper context! This is where I find it utterly confusing. Why is it easier for a married man to say that he thinks I'm 'hot and if he were single he'd jump at the chance to be with me!'? I understand that a married man can probably say it because he has nothing to lose but honestly it doesn't make me feel so great either. As much as I (or any woman for that matter) would love to hear wonderful accolades I prefer it to be God-honoring. I also know that if I were their wife I wouldn't want my husband to be talking to someone else they way he was talking to me. And anyway, why couldn't the guy say those things to me before he makes a committment before God and man? Why would I only be 'good enough' afterwards. Forget that!

I really don't think I ask for much and I'm trying to take the high road with the approaches or lack of approaches that are made. As much as it can be frustrating I know that I need to lean on God and wait for His timing and run from the other opportunities that present themselves. I've waited too long to mess this up because Satan wants to entice me with flattery.