Tonight's phone call

I think I need to apologize to the people at Ignite tonight as my attitude needed an adjustment in a big way. I guess I just wasn't in the mood for screaming teenagers. Usually I can tolerate the constant yelling and just shake my head at some boyish behaviour but tonight my mind was elsewhere.

I was actually waiting for a phone call from my sisters to discuss my mom's current situation. Last fall I went home for a month to be with my mom and some surgery she needed (knee replacement) but it's dealing with the Alzheimer's that adds to a difficult situation for a senior citizen. Since then people have been asking how she is doing and up until recently I could confidently say that she was doing well and the surgery was a big benefit to her health. Unfortunately though her mind is deteriorating quicker than I expected.

By no means do I need to go into details as I need to give some respect to my mom but its just such a terrible disease. She doesn't realize she needs help for the more simple tasks of day-to-day and yes she is in a home that gives adequate care. However, the fear is that she will need to move to a home that has more extensive care sooner than we were expecting.

Since she was diagnosed with this disease a few short years ago (four), she has moved from the house that her and her 2nd husband moved into, to two other nursing homes with each one providing more care as time goes on. She's also been going through tests to see what stage she is at in regards to this disease. The problem with it is that she may sound fine either on the phone or for an interview that can last 20 min but the person doing the testing doesn't see her on a regular basis to know how much help she needs.

This past week a nurse (don't know the proper terminology) did some testing with my mom and came to the conclusion that she was well enough to make decisions on her own and didn't need the help of my sister who has been carrying the brunt of the decisions making since her diagnosis. After the nurse gave the approval for my mom one of the nursing homes (one of the better ones) called and said that there was a bed available for her. Please note: my sister put her on a waiting list which could be 2 or 3 yrs before entering its facility. My mom didn't understand what it was all about and said that she was fine where she was and declined the room available to her. This was quite devastating to my sister and to us (my twin and I) since she would have to start at the beginning again and we'd have to wait 6 months before we could even apply again. Also, if she gets worse and the home where she's at can't meet her needs she would have to move in with my sister until a bed was available.

Anyway, thankfully my sister contacted another nurse that knows more about my mom's situation and has reverted the process and we can continue to look at options for her. It's hard to make these big decisions especially when it comes to entrusting others to the health and well-being of your parents.

I definitely feel too young for this and it pains me to see my mom declining from what she was which is now just a beautiful memory. I feel for my sister too that has to make these decisions since I'm not there. I've considered moving back home but for what? I could go into the battle I've had with myself of whether to go or not but I'll leave that for now. She doesn't really know alot anyway. She used to watch tv but now she doesn't even do that. Reading is completely out of the question and, well, she's just not there any more. Thankfully she still remembers who I am and that on Sunday's after church service she will get a call from me. I started that routine a few years ago and since its a routine now she is used to it and looks forward to it.

So, these are the concerns I have that I don't discuss too much but in a way it's hard to when no one here has known her or maybe even met her. But the point is, she's my mom. It's hard. My dad passed away 15 yrs ago and my mom is at this stage in life. It sucks. It just plain sucks. I know I have friends here that are like family but some times I just don't know if I can do it on my own. I may come across strong about it but I don't like to talk about it. Tonight I had to though. Reality sets in and when God calls her home I just don't know. It's just hard.

And, I hate to add this part but in a way I sort of want to. Someone had made a comment on CB's blog about concerns that she had with things going on in her life and their point was that the concerns she had paled in comparison to the concerns of what is going on in Haiti. Granted, yes they may be smaller and to whomever that person is, maybe this would be too but you know....this is my mom. If someone wrote something like that on here as a comment that would crush me. These may not be as heavy as 7.2 richtor scale earthquake but to me if she was gone my life will shatter just a little. And to God ALL of it is important. All our concerns He takes to heart. Just because that one incident happened doesn't mean that all other concerns are for nothing. He cares for us all and so much so that He sent His Son so that we can live in peace with Him.

I hope the people in Haiti find peace, I hope that others around me find peace in the concerns they have in their life and I pray for my mom that she finds peace in her heart as her time here may be short. She may not remember much or be able to function much but the love she has for Christ is still strong and is evident even with this disease that is taking over her life.