Where less guilt lies

I'm beginning to dread Sunday nights. I don't want to but it is turning out that way. Not because I'm helping out with the teens. Far from it, however, tonight there could've been less drama.

What I'm referring to is the situation with my mother. As stated in previous posts, her health is declining and she seems to be deteriorating faster as time goes on. A typical Sunday will be as follows: Go to church, phone my mom after service and chat for a few minutes, run some errands, go to Ignite at 5pm - 8pm and now (as of the past couple months) receive a phone call from my sisters in regards to the status of my mom. Although I talk with my mom and she may sound fine there are so many underlying issues that she doesn't want me to know about. Our conversations are short and typically the same topics. Weather, how my job is, if she went to church and how the sermon was and guarenteed she will need to confirm the time difference. I've been out here for 10+ yrs now and she still needs to know if she is ahead or behind me and by how much.

The struggle I have is more of what I am to do. How do I contribute to the situation to the best of my ability with being so far away and with as little guilt as possible? I've debated this issue time and again about whether to move back and it doesn't seem possible but how can I even take a few months to go there and do.....what? I feel like I'm useless in this situation and I can't take care of her even if I was there. Hence why we have her in a home. She is scheduled for her other knee surgery April 1 and once she is able to be released from the hospital my sisters and I have planned to put her in a home where it will be the last one she will go to (if you know what I mean). It's not like I can just move there. Move where? Start over there where the unemployment rate is high and people are just leaving their homes empty because they can't sell them since they had to split town. That area is built on the auto industry...and we know what has happened with that!

If I stay here but go back for a while I will still need to work to pay for my livelihood here even when I'm not actually living here (rent, car, bills, etc). I'm sure I can find some work there but most of the jobs I could find (since I had some opportunities the last time I was there) would be 4hrs away from my family. So really I'll be there. But. Not. And really my mom needs full-time care. I mean. Full-time. I've wanted to write my mom a letter a least or something but I know she's deteriorated alot when I have to ask her if she can still read. If anything I can send her pictures.

Then I think that I need to give this concern to the Lord. Tell Him, through prayer, my concerns yet some times I feel my faith is so small. So small. I have a hard time letting go and I'm not sure what my direction is. I know that He hears our prayers but then I struggle because I know I've said many a prayer and it's not like they gone unanswered. They've just been answered in a way that I wasn't expecting or didn't like. I guess that's where you really have a test of your faith when you stay faithful regardless of the outcome. It's easy to have faith when things turn out the way you had originally hoped. The barren woman who finally becomes pregnant or adopts. The single person who finally finds true love. (both situations are actual events of people that have happened within the last 3 months) But what about those who's prayers have been heard but God says 'no' or 'not right now' or 'I have other plans for you'????

What if I am to move back home? What if He wants me to stay here and continue what I'm doing because He has other plans for me?? What if He requires of me something that He knows I can do but I don't feel I am qualified to fulfill?? This is when I'm reminded of when Joshua became leader of the Israelite nation after Moses died. Joshua was qualified in God's eyes but He had to remind Joshua to not be afraid.

How can I not be afraid? In some ways I think it would be an easier way out if I was married and had children because then it would seem more 'acceptable' to say that I am unable to pick up and move. Sad but true. Ask yourself if you would pick up and move under the same circumstances. However, that isn't the case. My situation would allow me to pick up and move since I don't have dependants. The flip side to it is that I am my own support. I've all I've got when it comes to being responsible for paying my own bills. I feel like I'm being torn in regards to where my needs are to be.

See, just a cyclical chain of events that wear me out, make me cry and cause my eyes to be tired. I just wish my mom didn't have this disease. I wish I didn't have to see her deteriorate the way she is. Granted, I may not see it visually but I know what's going on and it saddens me. Selfishly I wish I didn't have to deal with this at this age and especially on my own. I don't know where I'm to be.

Off to bed. My head hurts from thinking in circles.