You know I love you, right?

Tomorrow night at church we are scheduled to have a memorial service for those that have lost loved ones. It's a time to reflect on those gone on before us and how we are without them for the holidays.

At first when I heard about the meeting I thought it was a good idea and only thought about those who have lost loved ones as of recent. However, when the announcement was made at the front a couple weeks ago they mentioned that it is also for those who have loved ones that have never set foot in our building as well. I didn't think it would hit me like it did and tears suddenly came to my eyes. For some, they may not know that I've lost my father and partly because I don't really share it. I don't have family here so no one really knows who is or isn't in my life. Actually, when I thanked the person that said it they didn't realize my father had passed away.

Anyway, I know I don't talk about him or my family much at all and I may not after tomorrow night either. I guess with this evening scheduled it has made me think about him and miss him. Miss his sayings, what I've done since he's passed, miss what our relationship could be like now that I'm more mature and want to invest in relationships. I will admit that when my dad was in the hospital the last 6 weeks of his life, I wanted to avoid the truth. From his diagnosis to his death was a 6week time period so I didn't want to admit that this was 'it'. I would walk past the hospital to go to my bus stop to go to school and I would avoid seeing him. It wasn't until the very end that I spent some time with him and it soon came reality when he would say good-bye to visitors knowing it was literally his last time seeing them.

When he was sick I couldn't look at the pictures of him being well and now that he's gone I can't look at the pictures of him being sick. Those ones are the hardest to see especially since I was face to face with him when he left this world to the next. I'm sure I should take some quiet time and reflect on those 6 weeks again but I just don't know. A part of me wants to just reflect on the memories I have of him but those last moments are just as important.

There are things that make me say some of the things I do today because of my dad. For example, I say to alot of my friends kids, 'You know I love you, right?' Well, I got that from my dad. Every night before I went to bed I would kiss him on the forehead and as I was doing that he'd ask that question. Which, of course, I always knew the answer but it was just his 'way' of saying I love you. I miss that. It was 'his' thing. Or, if he sneezed he would say, 'Scuse you', instead of 'bless me'. Or, if someone came up with a brilliant idea he would say, 'That's a great idea, I'm so glad I came up with that.' He was just so caring and funny.

I wish the people here in Calgary new my dad or my family. So many people from back home know that I'm a 'Hammond' or will come up to me and tell me how much they loved my parents or ask if I'm 'one of the twins'. I don't get that here and I miss that. There's a part of me that exists back home that I don't get here because of the relationships my parents have developed over the years and with him preaching. I miss hearing their stories. I miss hearing about how he was introduced to bible camp since he didn't come from a christian home. He has an amazing story and no one here will get that. Of course, to others he's just another man so they may not even care but to me he was my dad.

Miss ya dad. Wish I could share with you all the things I've accomplished or share with you the things that are yet to come. Wish you could meet the person I'm going to marry or rather I wish he could meet you but one day.

'You're a better man that I am Gunga Din. You're a better man than I am.'